Today Was A Test

May 2, 2013. Well...Today was a test. And I don't think I'll ever know if I passed or not.
I'll start from the beginning which wasn't anything crazy but will be easier for me to work through. We had our last graded presentations today. Compared to the second one? Cake. So all went well there. We finished early so a few of us went to the Internet house and I almost got my blog fully updated! But those damn pictures lol. After, I had lunch and headed to the park to start setting up for the fair.
Samuel and I had the front table ready to go. I listened to him a few times and already started feeling defeated. In my head, I couldn't figure out how to explain how the tickets and prizes worked. He threw me in, however, and I had to just do it. That was probably the best thing he could have done for me but it was difficult not knowing if anything I was saying was correct. We had a decent turn out in the beginning. A little crazy at our tiny table but we were managing.
Then, the storm came. A school must have let out because probably 300 kids more (we were probably at 200 by then) came up in their uniforms with teachers. We weren't prepared. We needed to start forming lines. We were running out of tickets. There wasn't enough space in between activities. We didn't have enough supplies at the stations. Kids wanted to go through twice to get more prizes. They crowded our table. Mass chaos. And my Spanish? Was shit for this. Our Spanish teachers helped walk groups of 5 over to tables. Raini and I formed lines where the kids had to wait. Kids (usually 3-4 at a time) were running up to me asking questions that I couldn't understand. The prize area was overcrowded and mixing in with the kids who hadn't participated yet. We tried to form a line there. We were running out of time. I was going in and out of almost losing it.
All I could do was think about how I could have handled this in the states. I would have been able to organize the kids. I would have been able to tell them where to go, what they needed to do, and how they could get their prize. I would have been able to simmer under the pressure with just enough energy to keep up but not so much that I'd boil over. But I couldn't. I found myself unable to hold a smile for longer than a few seconds. I had to look up into the sun to dry the tears that threatened to destroy my composure. I was being moved by running children and questioned by others. I looked at Raini for help and she just laughed and told me to do this or that; things she knew I couldn't do with the giant wall made up of Spanish words that surrounded me. Marcia came over with perfect timing with her motherly hug at one point just as she always does.
Finally the volunteers couldn't do any more at their stations. But there were still kids who didn't get prizes. Raini took about 70 kids over to another side of the park and started asking them literacy questions and if they answered, they would get a prize. For a bit, I was still frozen. Still uncertain as to what happened and hurting that I couldn't be the best me that I knew existed. But I made a move, took a bag of rings, and headed over to her line. I told all the girls to follow me (which was about half of the kids Raini had) and made them form a line. To each girl, I asked her to give me a word that starts with a certain letter. When they gave it to me, I gave them a ring. And I did that until I ran out of prizes.
And then, we were done. Still almost numb, I walked back to my table and my camera was gone. That was it, the soft breeze that tips you off the cliff when you've managed to remain standing on solid ground with just your toes. I just sat on a bench with my head down while some people looked for me. After about 5 minutes, Amber ran over, camera in hand. She had picked it up for me when she noticed I had left to go help Raini. The waters came. They poured out in a pinch of relief mixed with a lot of anger with myself. Anger for not being at a language level I want to be and anger for not keeping myself together during a time I know I could have handled normally. I stopped the tears but the burning sensation in my chest wouldn't subside. So after we cleaned up, I changed at Amber's house and we ran. A lot. I'm not even sure for how long but Misael joined at some point. He could tell I didn't want to talk so we just ran and ran and ran in complete silence (I really hope I'm going to be able to run in my community...). The sky above the field was nearly black. Off in the distance, lightning started to strike but I couldn't hear any thunder outside of the pounding in my ears as our feet hit the ground. It was getting dark and rain trickled a warning so we headed home.
Amber continued to be my life saver, however, and had a bottle of Italian-style chocolate milk. She came over to my house and we sat in my room and just talked for two hours. Our men, families, life here, and loss there. Have I mentioned that it kills me that she's leaving soon? She's incredible and has helped me numerous times now when I've needed it most. And while my disappointment from today remains, my chest has cooled and I'm willing to start anew tomorrow. So on that note, I will apologize for this bitter post (makes me think of that depressing song I love that goes, "All I need is a bitter song, to make things better) and bid you all, Buenas noches.

Mala Nota Para Mi

May 1, 2013. Two more days aquí. Completely crazy. And 15 more days until I'm on my own. So insane. I headed to the Multi Uso (after having this delicious bread (? Not the consistency of bread but looked like it!) made out of corn, sugar, milk, vanilla, etc) to work on stuff for our fair tomorrow. I made posters, tickets, streamers (out of tissue paper which is way cheaper than buying actual streamers and, I think, prettier!). Samuel and I are going to man the table that the kids start at to get their tickets and finish at to exchange their filled out tickets for prizes. Pumped.
During that time, Raini and I were chatting and she gave me a bit more information about my placement without me even asking for it. Lol She said I'm going to be close to a married couple (I know which but I'm not going to post it here) and I love them! I hope they feel the same way about me though! Haha AND I'll be 40 minutes from the capital. 40 minutes. Amber said she didn't know exactly where I'll be but knows who I'll be working with which is why she said she was excited for me. WTF did I do to get so incredibly lucky here? But I also feel like I'm cheating somehow. And cheating bad... It doesn't seem fair. I have such mixed feelings it's crazy. But alas! Until Monday, I really know nothing.
Lunch and then Spanish were David invited some young girls to come over and just have a casual conversation. It was perfect and just what I said I needed. Go David! We also cooked with his Doña and I forgot the name of it (it's in my notebook which is outside of my mosquitera, sorry). But! She grated yuca and then squeezed the water out of it. Then in a big bowl, we cracked eggs and added salt and mixed. She let us crack the eggs and I dropped an entire half of the shell into the bowl. She laughed at me and said, "Mala nota, Julie" (bad grade). Haha then later when she cracked another egg, she dropped a piece too. And from across the room I said softly "Mala nota, Doña." For whatever reason she thought that was so funny lol. And said that she wants us three girls to come back and visit her sometime. And hey, if I am in fact that close to Santo Domingo, I'm not that far from here either! Which means I could come see my Doña and her, easy! Ugh. Anyways, after, we fried them in oil and enjoyed. They were so good.
Once class ended, I went home, changed, and went back out to exercise a bit and play soccer. Have I mentioned yet that I suck at soccer? Haha cuz it's true :) I stopped pretty early and Andy goes, "Why are you leaving?" I said, "Because I'm...how do you say when you're not good at something?" He laughed and said, "You can be a good, regular, or bad player, and you are a bad player, but whatever, come play!" Haha to which of course I laughed and said no way and headed home. He's such an ass :P
I had Dominican pasta for dinner, I showered, Nate called (!), took a picture of a gecko thingy for Jake (Mira munchkin! My Doña calls it a 'rana' but that's actually the word for frog so I don't know what that guy is yet in Spanish), and it's time for sleeps. Buenas noches.

Nothing To Do But Everything To Love

April 29, 2013. What a day! I'm totally not going to write much and just post what I can in pictures. I only took some in the beginning of the day when we got to the river but I'm sure others will post more on Facebook since they had waterproof cameras and weren't afraid to bring theirs like I was lol. But yea! We spent the entire day at a river and it couldn't have been more perfect. We had a super quick class, swam, ate lunch, played cards, laid out in the sun as the Dominicans made fun of us (since to them it's weird to want to lay in the sun lol), and had a few "team building" things. Tug-of-War (my team lost), a weird race where we were all wrapped up together some facing forward and some backwards (lost again) and then a river cross. He was supposed to time us on that one but we just ended up doing it for fun since not everyone wanted to. It was awesome though. I fell right away on my first attempt cuz my hands slipped and was pissed. But then I made it across and back the second time :D. Much better haha. It was easy in the middle where it dipped so your body was in the water but the sides were higher. Plus Amber was cheering me on and saying there was a data plan waiting for me on the other side lol! It was just a day full of nothing to do but everything to love.
At 5:30 we headed home, sadly, but my body appreciated it since I'm now beat red on my tummy and legs lol. Amber, Lisanne, James and I then went to the Multi Uso to run and do a few things which felt wonderful since I defeated the voice in my head that was screaming "But I'm soooo tired! Just stay home and go to bed!" :). Amber and I chatted for a bit (really wish she wasn't leaving :( ) and though I didn't specifically ask, she said that she and the Placement Director are excited about my site. That was enough for me. I can wait until next Monday :).
Dinner was waiting for me at the table, Dexter was on the TV, and we had running water in our shower. Goodness was a fantastic day. Love you all. Now I can surrender to that voice. Buenas noches.

¡Too Much Fun!

April 27, 2013. ¡Mira below! We finished the flag today! Ugh I think it turned out great! We started at 9 and went until 1:30pm but we got it done! Haha and I touched up the letters as best I could before I couldn't see straight again lol. I got home and my host mom had my lunch waiting for me. I showed her, Jerson, and Noemi the pictures (since it's their school!) and they loved it! Lisanne and James should be finishing the Valores tomorrow so I'll get the last pictures up then!
I ate, showered, told the kiddos I couldn't play cuz I needed to rest. Lame, I know but I was so beat from being in the sun for hours at a time three days in a row haha. But so incredibly worth it.
I literally did nothing until the party at 7:30 which was a surprise for Dallas' birthday! And it worked! She was fooled, we drank chocolate milk, we danced, and ate cake. Then some of us wanted to go dancing in town. I went home and checked with my Doña and she said she would leave the key out for me! So we went "downtown" which was literally just like going out at home, honestly. There were so many people and there were lots of different places to go and dance. We were downstairs at one place first and then we went upstairs which was just like a club. So awesome. Eventually I'll learn to dance well here but for now, it was just fun :D Too much fun. We only have one more chance to drink chocolate milk and dance after swear-in so I'm glad we took advantage of it now. Cuz once I get to my site, I won't be able to get away with maybe being a little irresponsible :).
And I'm writing this now the next morning since I got home at 2am and it's now 9:45am on Sunday. Oops! But my Doña's house is officially overrun with family members and I have yet to emerge from my room... Oh boy. Entonces, Good morning!

All We Need Is Salud

April 26, 2013. I had such a wonderful morning with my Doña. I apologized because I forgot to tell her I didn't have to leave until later today. She said it was fine and guessed that was so since I was working so hard. We talked about how tiring it is to work out in the sun all day painting. We then heard someone sneeze like 6 times outside and we laughed together as I said, "Salud" six times quietly. She then went off about how that's all we need in this life: health. If we don't have health, what more can we do? We can't cook, serve others, raise a family, etc. She went on and I said "well yes, health, but God too, no?" I wanted her to keep talking :). And she did. On and on about how we take nothing from this earth when we leave. Not even the clothes on our backs. And so many people chase after money here and for what? They don't bring it with them when they die. She told me about a man here who was very very rich but dying. And on his death bed he said to his daughter that it was time. She ran to get him things, but he stopped her and said no, that he needed nothing more for where he was headed. We then talked about where I will be going when I leave and how I didn't know yet. She talked about the possible places and the simple things I will need to buy. Another volunteer she had just had a simple plastic table and two chairs. I joked about how we don't have money as volunteers but also said that we don't need it. She got up, walked over to her box of clothes and pulled out a mattress cover blanket thingy (with the elastic corners?). She made me hold the end and said, "You probably won't buy a bed much bigger than this, right?" And totally oblivious to her purpose, agreed. She then told me it would be her gift to me after she washes it. Then all I'll have to buy is one sheet and a pillow and I won't have to worry about finding one of those since they're harder to find. I swear to you... I could have cried. Such a simple thing but my goodness... She is simply a saint and the big guy totally looked out for me when I got placed here for these short 5 weeks.
Today we headed to the school and got quite a bit done. Almost all of the alphabet is finished; I just need to touch up edges with the smaller brush tomorrow. The globe is done. And now we have two more projects haha and that was us drawing a line with the director. He wanted much more done. But! We have a tree with the "Valores" and the DR flag. It's looking incredible. Hopefully we can get it all done mañana. And mira at the last picture: P for Pangborn! ;) Dork, I know.
Our professors, Raini, Amber, and Jennifer stopped by too. And Jennifer had letters! I received 7 in total! Haha Win! I so wish I could write back to all but:
Aunt Siobhan? Wow. Thank you so much for writing me! And I'm glad you think my Spanish is good. I have my days where I am super frustrated that I'm not fluent yet and I have to remind myself that it's only been two months. and I've still got 2 years haha. I think you're in Florida now so how's the heat?! I'd trade it for the snow any day still. Although I'm loving the constant tan. ;). Give your girls my love, please? And Uncle Chris, of course. Love you.
Grandma Judy? I didn't get it on Easter but it means the world to me that you thought of me :) I'm glad Sister Act was good! That's a phenomenal show. And as for the Sabres, I know exactly what you mean. lol But I'm glad they won! I love you.
Grandma Irene? Do you ever slow down mi querida abuelita? You're insane but glad to know you're doing well. Tell Mom I agree with the decision to just keep playing Bingo lol. And no, I haven't gone to mass yet. My host family in Pantoja never went because it was too far to walk (which was maybe a ten minute walk?), this host mom is Evangelical, and I'm going to have to be careful in my site what I do in regards to religion. I can explain more on that sometime on the phone. But I thank Him everyday and say my rosary when I can. And hey, in one week I'll know where I'll be living for the next 2 years! AHHH! Haha love you Gram. And that joke? Hysterical! Had to muffle my laugh though so that my host mother wouldn't ask me what I was laughing about. I'm nowhere near that fluent!
Matthew? So that job thing? That was nearly a month ago so do you have new news? ¡Dime! Lol It means more than you know that you wrote to me. Just wish it didn't take so long. And definitely call the family; they can't have two voids with us gone and unfortunately for you, I can't change my situation haha Love you big brother.
Dad? Ugh your words are always just what I need. Even a month later than you wrote them haha. Thank you for always lifting me up and reminding me that I'm doing the right thing. I also love the updates on the family so keep those up! But you know, I'd love to hear more about how you're doing, pops. I love you!
Amanda? Ah! I miss you girl! And that Up reference? The tears totally almost came haha. And oh man, I would have loved another double date. I agree, it was perfect! Rain check in two years? I can't express enough my gratitude for you and Steve being there for my man. I worry but only a little because I know that he has you both and others for support. It makes such a difference. And actually, I did want to hear that so thank you. Though the letter took forever, it was perfect. I love you.
Nate? You wrote that after one week of me being gone. Crazy to think how much of a change has already happened. You spoke of a job you hoped for, and now you have one. You said, "If you'll allow me" when speaking of the possibility of you visiting me but duh, I'd love that way too much to have to explain. You also hoped we speak live soon and bam! We have quite a bit ;). And finally, that was the best Haiku I've ever read. Thank you :) and I love you baby.
Thank you so incredibly much. I'm so excited to have things to read and hang in my home when I eventually live on my own. Your words, thoughts, and prayers mean more to me than you can imagine.
Lunch, Spanish, and then the Multi Uso. Holy stairs workout. And I totally have bruises along my spine from the damn floor there lol. Then we played soccer! Guess those 6-7 years of playing when I was a kid didn't do much haha. We then watched a kid get beat up by a group of boys... Not horribly but he did run off crying. Can't even begin to describe how angry I am at myself for not trying to do something. I left pretty quickly after that and Misael caught up and asked what was wrong. Trying to explain all that was difficult.
I got home and my Doña was at church so I ate, showered, and headed over to Caitlin and Keegan's to get movies on my external hard drive. If any awesome tech people out there know if it's possible to connect my external to my iPad, help? I don't know if the adapter exists but if it does, let me know! Haha Thanks. But anyways, I got to talk to Nate (!!), hung out, went home, helped my Doña look for her keys, saw Noemi who I guess is here for the weekend, and headed to bed. Buenas noches.

It Will Come With Time

April 25, 2013. Today we had pull-outs and we simply did reading comprehension with the book, "The Real Story of the Three Little Pigs" told in the perspective of the wolf. Love it :) and the kids loved it too! Tuesday is our last day with them and we are just going to have a party but our group is going to act out the story for the other group first. They're excited to do that :D
Afterwards, we changed and continued painting. See below! We actually got quite a bit done! Tomorrow we should finish up and possibly do a little extra on another wall? Not sure yet but we will see.
Lunch was a casserole type dish with pasta, meat, and cheese and it was good! Not going to lie, after yesterday (by the way, I found out yesterday's dinner was tripe-stomach) I was a bit nervous to eat today. But everything turned out great haha. My Doña's not feeling well though so she's in low spirits :(. I don't like it at all. She has some sort of pain in the side of her face and it kept her up all night and she didn't go to church today because of it (and I was supposed to go with her).
Spanish was next and I felt a bit frustrated today. David managed to throw in a lesson about how how he just wants to help us in any way possible but that we just need to have patience with ourselves. That it all will come with time. Haha he had no idea I was having one of those days but damn, that was perfect. He also gave us chinas (like oranges but a little different) and I asked him "¿Cómo come como un Dominicano?" Which I thought was hysterical haha: Just the sentence itself. I had no idea if it was right but apparently it was. "How do you eat like a Dominican?" He showed me and now I won't look so American in the streets while eating an orange! Yea... Almost.
For the next two hours I just tried to work out all of my frustrations. I ran a ton and did a bunch of things for abs and brazos that the Dominicans told us to do haha. We walked back listening to music and the full moon lit up the entire sky and was a vibrant yellow. An incredible sight. Again, I was left mostly in silence while Amber and Misael talked. I understood everything but never felt like I could say what I wanted. Unless I thought about it for five minutes first... Which of course by then, the next topic was brought up. Ah well. It will come with time.
At home, my host mom had fried cheese and mashed potatoes waiting for me (yesssss). She said she is feeling un chin better but I could tell it wasn't much. The poor thing. I showered, thanked her for everything before bed and she replied by saying she's just doing what she loves to do: serving with all her heart... An amazing woman.
I also got to end the night talking to my family. They knew just the day to call even though it wasn't Sunday :). Happy 26th Anniversary Mom and Dad. I'm glad us kids didn't break your streak. Let's make it at least 60 more? Kthanx. ;) Love you all. Buenas noches.

When Month-Old Cookies Save Your Life

April 24, 2013. Today our session was on working with our Project Partners (or Key Community Contacts). When we get to our site, there has been one person selected by Peace Corps that is motivated and wants to help. This will be our go-to person because the reality is, we are American and they know way more about their community than we will. Plus, they will be there long after we're gone so they will be the sustainability secret. I've heard horror stories about them but I've also heard wonderful things about that relationship. ¡Vamos a ver! Oh! And random, but I got jewelry today! The volunteer that came to talk to us is friends with a single mother who makes jewelry. I'm soooo happy I finally have some. And the matching set is made out of coffee beans! It smells amazing :) And I just loved the pop of green in the other.
After, we started buying supplies and painting our wall! See below! (Side note 1: Back sweat is considered super sexy here. So there. (Side note 2: Side note 1 is a total lie.)). Except now we're having internal issues with the group on what we are doing. Some teachers came up to us after and asked if we could paint the entire wall because they all look so dirty and some have writing on them from the students. We said we only have time and money for this wall and they said have paint... I'd love to do more but now... Do we scrap our idea and just paint their walls? Do we do just part of our idea? Which part? Others are trying to do a bit much while others don't agree. Ugh. Tomorrow we will reconvene and decide. It's just frustrating because it isn't like this is our community for the next two years... But I still care.
Lunch followed with something else I didn't like. Can't even begin to describe to you what it was. Oh and dinner? I almost threw up... Wish I could understand Spanish just to know what I just tried to bite. Anyways, I laid down to nap but Donkey wouldn't shut up today lol. So Spanish followed, we learned a few more practical tenses, and finished early since Maegan had her presentation.
Sarah and I walked to the Multi Uso and did a few laps. I then wanted to do some stairs inside but there was a bit of an annoyance so I stopped and walked outside with a few friends. We listened to Bruno Mars' "Grenade" and Macklemore's "Thrift Shop" and I had to translate ("Yo saltaría enfrente de un tren para tí" <--- my attempt at translating, "I'd jump in front of a train for you")! Haha what a disaster. Amber came and we all ran more and then did a bunch of things inside. Misael took us to his neighborhood where he grew up and lent me a shirt to wear tomorrow when we paint haha. But it's a turtleneck and I'll probably die :P
Dinner was waiting for me when I got back so after realizing I probably would lose everything I ate today if I kept trying, I chugged my juice and ate some of my grandma's cookies (you saved my life, Gram!). I showered, listened to music, and headed to bed before my Doña got home. I'm sleepy. Buenas noches.
Addition: My host mom came in and woke me to ask why I didn't eat dinner. Did I like it? Am I sick? What happened? Am I not hungry? I would tell her if I was hungry, right? And am I made at her? Haha too cute. I felt bad but there's was no possible way I could force myself to eat whatever it was...