Why Do Habichuelas Take SO Long To Cook??

September 16, 2013. Woke around 5:30 to a rat eating something... I don't know how but he got in my cupboard and started eating through various bags I had up there (flour, pancake mix, etc). Looks like I've gotta put things in Tupperware. Which I have a limited amount of. So... Ikea anyone!? They have these awesome bigger containers with lids that I can use for food but also my school stuff like crayons, pencils, etc :D Oh damn ;) And there not that bad price wise and colorful!

I made an egg for breakfast and COFFEE! Which wasn't great but better! Yesssss. I headed out with a few new girls I have in my neighborhood who held my hands the whole walk over. And I did what I was supposed to do again today! Almost finished my evaluations though I feel quite overwhelmed by the number of students I feel I need to have in my pull-outs. Like my 6 kids in first grade that were held back. Or the munch who has three years in first grade before they finally just passed him cuz they quit trying. Or the 10 year old in first grade. Or the 13 year old in third grade (my brother is almost 8 and in third...) and can't read at all. Etc.

What I want is nearly impossible but how do I decide who will be in it and who won't? :/ The kids were so cute though. We weren't doing anything fun (evaluations, ew) but they would all come in at different times asking, "Is it my turn yet??" Or, "Can I do it again??" Haha

I booked it at noon with a herd of kiddos excited that I was now walking their way. And started cooking right away... First mistake: I started the rice and habichuelas at the same time (and way too much of both). Second mistake: Cooked the rice for too long. Third: had no idea habichuelas TAKE FOREVER TO COOK. I started right when I got home around 12:15pm and they weren't done by the time I had to leave for the afternoon tanda at 2pm. And I had not a single clue on what people put in it to give them flavor. So I made it up with random spices and sauces I had in the house.. Honestly though, I thought they tasted pretty damn good. I started them back up again when I got home at 5:30 and didn't finish until 7:30. That's just nuts. 

BUT! Dulce spoke with a neighbor of mine who apparently was best friends with Lucy when she still lived in this house. Around 1, I hear, "Oh! You're cooking!" And turn to see her standing in my doorway with a bowl of rice, beans, and pork. And said that whenever I want to visit, I'm always welcome. And Linda had brought me an avocado last night. So despite not eating what I had been cooking, I had an incredible lunch with my heart swelling with love ;) Dominicans are amazing.

At the school I did lots of random things since I really have no job to do in the afternoon. Made copies, wrote notes, broke up a fight which turned into a crazy hot mess with parents involved and lots of screaming...etc. The director isn't going to be there in the morning tomorrow so she said she told the kids not to come... I told her that made me feel awful because I want to help and it didn't feel right that they should miss out on a day of learning. She looked at me so seriously and goes, "Oh no, Julie. They're so difficult. You saw how I am with them right? They're not listening to me either. I'm struggling so there's no way it's fair for you." Goodness that made me feel better. 

Then the discussion about my lunch. I shared the whole habichuelas thing and how I didn't know they took so long. Oooooh man did they get a kick out of that! But now? Ramona is coming over tomorrow during the break to cook with me! And Nati the next day :D WIN. Apparently there's a way to soften the beans ahead of time and store them in the fridge for when I get home in the afternoon. I'm learning every minute of every day I tell ya.

Back at home, I made coffee (good coffee!), had about 10 kiddos drawing and coloring in my messy Sala de Tarea (ah, which now I'm giving English classes again for the 8th graders on Sundays at 2pm), finished up my habichuelas (for a grand total of a 4 hour cook time), made plans for tomorrow, and laid in my hammock some more. Moreno came to visit to see how I was doing (and also laughed at my habichuelas story) which was so wonderful. Linda stopped by too and because I was using both my pots (all that I've got!), she noticed that I couldn't cook my dinner (since I wanted to save my rice and beans for another day and have yucca). So she took my yucca to her house, boiled it and added an egg and avocado. So yet again, I was cooked for. Hahaha oh! And while I was still cooking, I heard something above me... Turns out the rat was back for more and early! I hit the side of the cupboard and he jumped out! Screaming and jumping up and down, I ran over to the chairs in my living room. Hoping up to keep my feet from touching the ground, Fredito and Luis just about busted a gut laughing at me. I eventually tried to go back in the kitchen but the damn thing then ran into the living room. Crawling over chairs to get across the room, I watched again as he scurried across the floor. To where, you ask? I have no idea... And still don't. Aaahhhhhh.

And now I have to finish my annual plan. Cuz it's due today and I forgot... 

Buenas noches!

My Beautiful Disaster.

September 15, 2013. Home, yes. Buffalo, no. But it finally came true. I moved into my own home. Saturday I arose and did my laundry. Then I began packing up my things. About 10 trips later (with the help of my little buddy, Alex who was overly enthusiastic about helping lug my stuff across my campo), everything was everywhere in my house. Fredito even brought my fridge on the back of his moto-like it was nothing. 

And so I left this:

And wanted to cry.

Loser, I know. But I've lived with Dulce for three months. And other host families for three months before that. Looking out onto this...

...And more was terrifying. 

But I had a ton of help. Which was good and bad. Lots of "JULIE! JULIE!" and putting my things everywhere I didn't want them. Haha but! I got everything nearly organized except for my Sala de Tarea. Cuz I have far too many papers and books to sort through.

Here is my bedroom:

(So wanted to stop living out of a suitcase but that's not gonna happen. I just don't have anything or anywhere to put my pants.)

That beautiful curtain (Dominican door) was given to me by Dulce along with bed sheets and pillow cases. I was ready to sleep in my sleeping bag but she would have none of that :) 

The view out my bedroom window :D

I have an extra bed! Yoba said I could use it! It's gross and uncomfortable but I figure it's better than the floor if I have more than a few guests :D

Look at that beautiful shower curtain (hung by strings and not shower hooks :P)! Ugh so in love. And for those of you who send me prayers? Pray that that huge tank doesn't get taken from me?? I just don't want to have to fetch my water at the river despite wanting to learn how to carry buckets on my head like the Dominicans do... Also: 

The notes from my momma that were all in my suitcases when I got to the DR. And:

Those from my papa to enjoy while I DON'T SQUAT OVER A HOLE CUZ I HAVE AN ACTUAL TOILET! :D

Kitchen.

Oh yes I am a Master Cooker! Or at least... I'm trying to convince myself that. At least my silverware and plateware will make me happy with all those colors while I'm eating gross food!

Living room. All that you see here will eventually get taken away from me. I will be sure to have an awesome dance party though cuz it'll be spacious enough!

I also have a Hammock spot in the back which I forgot to take a picture of. After everything I was so ready to cook myself an amazing dinner of pancakes. Buuuuut.... I found out I was missing stuff to hook up my stove and the gas tank. So! I went to Dulce's and asked her if I could eat there one more time. She laughed at me and fed me yucca :)

I returned home and the water se fue so I had to bucket shower my first night. But I used the WHOLE BUCKET (no, no not the big tank) just cuz I could since I was all by myself. So good with it :)

I then partied by myself with chocolate milk and soda, FaceTimed with lots of family and passed out around 2:30. Alone. In my own bed that I bought. In my own place that will be my home for two years :D

I woke up the next morning around 7:30am not remembering where I was haha. but I laid in bed soaking in the privacy for an hour or so. I eventually got up, hung my hammock outside and ate a delicious granola bar for breakfast while swinging. For whatever reason I felt that I needed to do something so I migrated into my Sala de Tarea to try and get organized. A few girls came by so I had them make some wall art for the room which they loved. Fredito then came to take me abajo to buy a big jug of water, the connector for my stove and yucca, platanos, rice, beans, eggs, salami, corn, candles, etc. It was very overwhelming since I had never bought these things before I didn't know how. Like how many pounds if yucca or rice I wanted. Or beans. They laughed at me and while I was defeated, I had to laugh too. 

I then got stopped by a woman who wants her daughter to take English classes with me. I told her once a week for an hour starting in October. She was not happy with that. We proceeded to argue for a few minutes about how she thinks I need to have it at least twice a week for two hours. After all, I'm free nights and weekends, right? Wrong. I told her I'm at this school in the morning, El Batey in the afternoon. And I plan for the next day in the nighttime. El Puerto Fridays (not set in stone yet but she doesn't need to know that). And Quisqueya Aprende Contigo classes Saturday and Sunday. And can I have at least a half day to rest? AND the class is free! It's something extra, outside of the PC! I think she understood but still wasn't happy about it.. Lol I was very frustrated but happy I stood my ground.

Fredito and I got back and I was so ready to just make coffee! Until he told me my gas tank was empty... I thought I bought it full. Nope. I just sat on the floor and started crying. Hahaha he was so good about it and told me all about when he was first learning how to fix motos. He made mistake after mistake after mistake until he learned. But once he learned, he never forgot. Which is what I'll do, he said. So he then took me to fill my tank and wouldn't let me pay him for the trip. We got back and I made coffee. And it was awful. Way too strong and we had to add a TON of sugar to make it drinkable hahaha. I'm learning! Then a Haitian came by and sat with us. It was fascinating because he speaks Creole and despite living here for 16 years, hardly knows Spanish. I was able to catch his mistakes and had a hard time understanding at times. But then we started talking about his language. I busted out my notes and started learning Creole! I really want to learn since there are so many Haitians in my community and tons of my kids know Creole but with the racism that exists here, they're ashamed of it. So I want to learn so they know I care... A little boy who lives next to me (and is 10 and in first grade...and his sister is in third and is 13. Do the math...) came by and I asked if he would help me learn. With the biggest and brightest smile I've ever seen here, he said yes!

At 2:30 I headed to the birthday party of Samuel's little sister. She turned 2. I stopped by to see Dulce first who asked me what I ate for lunch. I answered honestly... She laughed so hard, shook her head and disappeared. Seconds later she yells, "Julie! Come!" I emerged from her room to a bowl of rice and beans and pork on the table.... hahaha God I love her.

At the party, nearly the entire campo showed up :). But all I wanted to do was leave... I just don't know if I'll ever get accustomed to seeing little girls (like 5, 6, 7 years old) gyrate in ways I have seen only at bars in the states... And the parents watch with pride... But I'll leave it at that. I hung out with niño and Dulce and Lili, got cake, and made it to the end. Afterwards I headed to the teacher that substituted for me all last week. I thought there were talleres this week but the date got moved (thank goodness!) She greeted me with the biggest hug and a Choco Rica which is the best chocolate milk EVER. And yes, fellow readers, I actually mean chocolate milk this time ;). We chatted a bit and then I had to go talk to Manuela to make sure I was good to go to start in El Batey this week. She and I also chatted for a while and it felt so great. I then passed by Dulce on her moto and she goes, "Come to my house! I'm cooking dinner for you!" I tried to argue but she just yelled louder, "COME!" She made me pasta and tostones :D I guess telling her I had an egg for lunch was an awesome idea despite having to admit a weakness. After all, I  got a second lunch and dinner out of it!

And despite being on my own and feeling like I'm starting all over again learning new things, I more than survived my first day on my own! No, I didn't cook well. I spent nearly all my money (gotta wait till October for more!). I suck at making coffee. I didn't know the tank wasn't already full. I cried in front of a Dominican. And I missed Dulce.

But I have a place I can call my home. I didn't wake up at 5:30 to Moreno showering or throwing up. I laid in my hammock in the cool breeze of the morning overlooking the rice field. I eventually bought all my necessities (I think all!). I stood my ground about the English classes/my sanity. I started learning Creole (and that little boy bragged to all his friends the next day about How I was learning his language :D). I got to cook an egg cuz I wanted to. I went to a birthday party and ate cake. I visited Mavel and felt so welcome in her home. I visited Manuela who made me feel wonderful also and confirmed that I can start working in El Batey! I got dinner made for me. And I got to go to MY home at the end of the night. 

It was a beautiful disaster.

Buenas noches.

Un-Electrocuted and Ready to Run

September 13, 2013. Bueno. I swear every time I go to the capital it feels like I'm out of my site for weeks. But it's certainly always a good refresher. I opened the school up Wednesday morning and then headed out; quite proud of the fact that I fit all that I needed into my normal book bag so I wouldn't have to lug my hiking pack. I made it and found a package in my mailbox! My wonderful Grandma Judy sent me cookies (they're gone already Gram...), granola bars, workbooks for my kiddos, erasers (they're going to LOVE those), stickers, letter decals, and colored pencils! You're the best, Gram. Thank you so much. I finished looking through the box through teary eyes just in time for the first meeting about our regional Escojo Enseñar Conference coming up in October. There, we bring one director and one teacher from our schools and provide workshops where we can collaborate, share, teach, and motivate (hopefully!). Aaaand now I'm doing a talk with Cory and Laila about classroom management (which I couldn't do with my first graders? Hm...). And yes, in Spanish haha. 

After the meeting, Greg, Lula, Cory and I headed out to a sandwich place that was on the Food Network show, No Reservations. We had the "special" which had two types of meat, tons of melted cheese, and mayo all deliciously mushed and toasted. Top it off with ketchup and hot sauce and wash it down with a Morir Soñando (orange juice, evaporated milk, vanilla, and ice)? Sheer heaven. Then the juice guy made us all a special mixed fruit juice for free! Also heaven. We headed back and I went to a Yo Sé Leer meeting. This is the resource we have for teaching literacy which consists of a book of worksheets for the kiddos and in the making: a training manual for teaching local facilitators in order to have sustainability when it comes to effectively teaching literacy. Afterwards, I glued myself to a computer and busted out my VRF which is the formal, detailed way we tell Peace Corps what we've done in the last six months with what kind of successes. Luckily, I haven't done much so it wasn't so bad. But man when I do have stuff? It's gonna be a process...

Then a large group of us collaborated and decided to make Thai pasta (THANK YOU DALLAS) for dinner at Andrew's place. There was 10 of us. And his place isn't that big haha. But! We only had to travel an hour to his site (on a jam-packed guagua), staying there was free (unlike a hotel), and we all got to be together. AND Andrew has a sweet roof you can hang out on. And amazing American music that we blasted. And a pretty sweet personality and INCREDIBLE sense of humor (like seriously) which makes everything even better (it's all true Lobo and you know it so shut up). We were up until 2:30am, passed out where we were seated on his gorgeous but hard tile floor, and prayed that the cockroaches and millipedes wouldn't crawl up our clothes while we slept. Pancakes were made in the morning at 6:30am and we made our way out by 8ish. 

Back at the PC Office, we had more meetings (Quisqueya Aprende Contigo, National Escojo Enseñar Conference), I competed my ELF (which is my locator form that I had to update since I'm moving!), we went to the sandwich place again (such a fatty) this time bringing more people, and I got a green dress from the free box. Susan and I were the only ones staying at Andrew's again but it was amazing. We drank chocolate milk, played Plants v. Zombies, sat on his roof, had some good heart-to-hearts, and ate bread, cake, and chicken nuggets (what?).

Early morning back to the office for one last meeting. We are creating evaluation tools for the many many objectives that the education sector has. This way we have a consistent, standard assessment tools to use and provide the next education group that comes in March. Susan, James, and I went to McDonald's after for lunch (did I mention that I'm a fatty?)! They didn't have ranch (seriously so depressing) but the nuggets and fries were a whole new level of delicious that I cannot describe with mere words. I then worked for three hours on my annual plan. This was both good and bad. There are still so many unknowns, doubts, and possibly impossible desires in my site that I don't feel prepared or ready to make a detailed plan for this next year. It stressed me out as I started. But by putting my ideas down on paper, assigning dates, detailing them out, and brainstorming people to work beside me in my community, it gave me a better sense of my project. I feel more grounded. I can actually see, hey, yea I am doing something. I do have ideas. They do line up with the literacy project framework. I prioritized and postponed things that I've been wanting to do but know I don't have the time for right now. Etc. So more pros than cons for sure. I'm not done but I'll finish it Sunday and once I'm moved into my house I'll feel more organized and ready to fill up my schedule and get started working. I'm so ready to run. I also will briefly say that I have an idea for a traveling library (since we don't have one nor any building to put one) and literacy integration with the Courts4Kids team that comes but I'll wait until they're developed more before I share the details here :)

After three hours, I quit and packed up my things. Cory and I left for the Metro, parted ways, and I made a pit stop at Jumbo to grocery shop. After all, I should have the staples for when I move out! These included toilet paper, coffee, peanut butter, oil, tissues, salt, ketchup, pasta, hangers, dog food (!!), floor cleaner, dish soap, laundry detergent, etc. I also got a few unecessities but things that will make my life much easier: a thingy for my closet that are like hanging shelves to put pants and such (now to find something to hang that and my hangers on cuz I don't actually have a closet...), a mini non-stick frying pan, and more that I'm blanking on... Luckily I brought my giant Ikea bag to stuff all these little bags in but holy shit did it weight a ton. 

I made it to the carro público and the driver put my stuff in the trunk while going on and on about how much strength his American friend has. I told him I work out. Hahaha. The trip was...nearly flawless? The second carro headed to my site suddenly got a flat tire on the Duarte in the middle of an intense lightning storm. We had to get out so he could jack the car up and I watched above as bolts pierced the sky and came down pretty damn far around us. It was beautiful. 

But I made it home un-electrocuted, left my groceries in the bag on the last spot on my floor that had room, showered, ate, and typed this baby up. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow? One last day of laundry with a washing machine before I switch to hand-washing. Then: I'M OUT. Hopefully Fredito will stop by so he can take my mini fridge to my house on the back of his moto...

Buenas noches.

The Key to the Capital is a Hug

September 10, 2013. Just a few things:

1. I now hold the key to my house. Saturday=Move out day and nothing is gonna stop me.

2. Capital tomorrow till Friday! Can't wait to see everyone :)

3.  Remember when I said I missed hugs? I don't anymore. I get them by the bucket-loads now everyday in school by the kiddos :D

Buenas noches.

Crazy Day of Blessings

September 7, 2013. A damn rat in my room kept me up all night. He was playing with some papers that fell from my wall behind my bed. I tried to shift around and make little noise to scare him but he just ran to the other side of my room and continued. Of course, around 5:30am I had to pee. Great. Headlamp in hand I ran as fast as I could the short distance to the door, unlatched it, and bolted. I didn't hear from him after that. Maybe he ran out after me...

I "awoke" but more like arose from my bed and started my laundry. Dulce headed out to Villa telling me to go arriba or to see Linda cuz she didn't want me left alone (even though I'll be moving out on my own soon lol). After finishing I slowly headed down to first see Manuela. I was super nervous cuz I just realized I've got to be in the capital this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and I forgot that when I said I'd start working over there this week :/. She wasn't there (talked to her later in the day and she was totally fine with it! :D) so I headed to see Linda. Aaaand she wasn't there either. I returned to an empty house and started watching the Hunger Games in my bed. For whatever reason after that unsuccessful walk, I didn't feel like going anywhere anymore. I went through 101 excuses to not go arriba knowing that that way, I wasn't going to eat. After all, there were those bread cookies things on the table. After about twenty minutes I couldn't do it anymore and after having such a good day yesterday, I didn't want to ruin it. I got up and headed arriba to my host mom's house. She seemed genuinely excited to see me, I helped a little with clearing out some wood despite them yelling at me to sit down (I can't tell you how much I miss manual labor...seriously), Lili "taught me" how to mop (though I did learn a different way to squeeze the water out of the mop-Mom and Gram you both would die at the site of the water I used), and we ate. And as I sat there with Alex on my lap wrestling him and engaging in conversations with the family, I could help but fall back to the beginning when I was here. I sat in silence mostly. My host mom and her mom would try and talk to me but I never understood more than one word. They would get up and leave for another room whenever I joined. Fredito never spoke to me. I wasn't allowed to help with the floor cleaning. And I would sip my coffee as slow as I could or eat at a snails pace to avoid having nothing to do but sit there.  This time Lili and I joked around as she took a video of me mopping. My host mom's mom engaged in conversation with me. My host mom's dad did too from his hammock. I chased Lili around the house. Tickled Alex like crazy as he tried to mush my face. I got three cups of coffee (half of one was Dulce's cuz she didn't want it all-I understood her the whole time!) that I drank at a normal pace. And so on... I can't tell you how good it all felt and how glad I was that I got out of my bed and went arriba when I thought I didn't want to. It also made me feel so much better about living on my own. I'm nervous about mentally getting stuck in the comfort of my home and not getting out into the community. It's too easy living with Dulce; I just go with her. But today she wasn't there. I showed up unannounced and it went great. I can do this.

Speaking of living on my own. Yobi didn't come to fix the door today. He's coming tomorrow.. Then the more I thought about it, the more I realized it would be smarter to wait until next weekend... Ugh. But with Corps Forum in the capital this week, why would I move all my stuff now just to leave the house vacant for three days (especially with everyone telling me they don't want me to move cuz of the burgluries)? So I asked Dulce if it would be alright and told her I would pay for half this month when I get back (which is going to make me broke but it's only fair since it will be mid-September). She laughed at me and said not to worry, whatever is best for me. She's the freaking best. I'm disappointed but I feel like this is symbolism. Haha but seriously. Nothing ever seems to work out on my schedule but everything seems to work out. No, I'm not moving out for another week now. But it's better that way and hey, it's another week I won't have to cook for myself ;). No, nothing (well, hardly nothing) is going the way I want it to or think it should at the school. But the kids hug me everyday and "Julie!" or "Profe!" is yelled by too many munchkins I don't know the names of everyday in the street. And I love it.

To continue this crazy day of blessings, I went to El Puerto with the director of a school there. He desperately wants a volunteer and has plans to call my boss to solicit.  But in the mean time, he wants any help I can offer. And after today, I want, more like need, to make time for him. He has passion. He has purpose. He has drive. And he has ideas. I first met his family. We then went to his school where a church is attached. It was beautiful and spacious. The concert was supposed to start at 5 but of course, didnt start until 6:30. There was singing, praising, dancing, clapping, and joy. The concert was put on to bring parents in so they could raise money to buy books for the children; something they lack greatly. Sadly, it rained all day and the crowd was very very small. But they carried on just like they would have if the place was packed and it was incredible. I still have goosebumps from the singers and the dancing third graders. This is what a school is supposed to be like. With people who care about the kids, about the school, and about the involvement of the parents and community. I was recognized twice and after many people telling me how impressed they were that I knew so much Spanish in just 6 months, I understood nothing John (a Canadian who is working in the school through a religious mission) said about me in front of the whole crowd. And it was obvious cuz I froze and turned red. Damn. Hahaha But it's all good. 

I've gotta somehow fit in going there. He wants help with their library. And his first grade teacher is new and struggling. So long as I make it clear that I WILL NOT TEACH ALONE, I want to go there and help. We'll see. 

I made it home by 8, received the most beautiful email from one of my best friends back home (Charles, you better know I'm talking about you) and with a full and heavy (in a good way) heart, I'm off to eat and go to bed. Buenas noches.

Be Patient and Love Thyself

September 6, 2013. Yesterday I finally did what I'm supposed to do. I did evaluations in my own classroom. One child at a time. I felt peace, calm, and purposeful. Of course all the other things I've got going through my head wouldn't leave me completely alone but oh what a difference!

I also went to the other school and I'm going to begin on Tuesday there! I have yet to speak to the director directly, but the teachers gave me her blessings. I stood my ground when the teacher tried to tell me to do first grade on Tuesdays, second on Wednesdays, and third in Thursdays. I said no, it would be better for the children if it was more consistent and for less time each day. So, first grade from 2-3pm, second grade from 3-4 and third from 4-5. :D I returned to my school early so I hung out there to see if there was anything I could do to help. Wonderfully enough, I ended up playing volleyball with the 8th graders :D. One boy in particular who is new here knew how to play. We volleyed alone for a bit and he didn't want to stop (neither did I!). 

That night I received an email from Courts4Kids!! And am completely overwhelmed... The bid we have is in fact way too high. He sent me a packet with a ton of construction technicalities and ways to make it cheaper. Not only do I have no clue how to explain it all in English, I have to somehow find a way to effectively communicate it all in Spanish to Ramirez. Shit. I'm just terrified of any miscommunication that might ruin the opportunity. But I called the incredible Lula and Greg that live close by and are fluent to help! We're going to get together with Ramirez and they're going to help translate to minimize the miscommunications :). UPDATE! I received another email from a man named Zach who is now DR's Country Director for C4K. He was just a Peace Corps Volunteer that finished up last October! He, himself had a court built in his community and has helped with four other ones! He said he's moving back to the DR for his new position and would like to set up a time to come to my community and is here for whatever I need to make this all a reality! AHHHH. I FaceTimed my parents as soon as I could I was so excited! I'm not alone! (So many exclamation points in that paragraph!)

Today? Back to being thrown in a classroom... The teacher's son woke up sick so of course there's no time to find a substitute. This time, however, it was third grade-a first for me. A negative? I had no clue what they were learning or what they already knew. A positive? They are older and able to understand me better and a little bit more mature. And I have to say... It went pretty damn well. Did some dinámicas, read a story in the morning and after recess and they begged me for another (LOVE), played the chalkboard game with letters, practiced the vowels, spelling, and taught units, tens, and hundreds places. Aaaand then let them have "gym" the last fifteen minutes because they behaved so well (or let's just say, WAY better than my first and second graders). 

Ann called during the day. She was driving through the area and thought she'd stop by. We spoke with Natividad about the situation and she said if there's no substitute and I wasn't here, they'd send the kids home... I don't want that either... So I'm torn between my sanity and the education of these kids. But when Ann and I were able to talk alone she told me I'm being too hard on myself. That change here comes way too slow and that with everything I have going against me (which she said was way too much for any one volunteer), it's going to take longer. Be patient. Love myself. And know that every little thing I do counts. Love her.

She left and I decided to not go to the school in the afternoon. I don't usually do much and the director  headed home for a reunion. I also recieved a visit this morning from Francisco who is the director of the colegio (high school) in El Puerto. He wants me to come to visit tomorrow night. My plan was to move out tomorrow but I guess I can finish moving my stuff Sunday. He also wants me to help out there at his school. We'll have to see how my schedules turns out... 

I travelled back to the school to retrieve the key since the director won't be there next week and I'm the one who lives closest to open the school the earliest. They complained that I wasn't there cuz they were missing a teacher and had "deportes" so they could've used me. Is it bad that I didn't feel guilty and almost (or entirely...) relieved? I could've helped but for my sanity's sake, I'm good with it for now. They survived without me... 

I spent the rest of the night reading and joking around with my drunk host dad as he would return periodically to get more ice :)

Buenas noches.

What Will Success Mean to Me When This is Over?

September 3, 2013. Well I was alone today. One game I had for practicing recognizing the vowels went well and that was that. I lost them again.  As much as it kills me, I've just got to tell Nati that I can't do it without her. So if she's ever absent again, they've got to pretend as if I'm not here and find a substitute somehow. Now that I know there never was a first grade teacher on the way, I have no idea how long this will last for and I just can't handle it... As much as I want to.

In the afternoon, I went to the other side after calling Ann to talk about more conflicts that are causing major tension. Elva was not there. But I spoke with Manuela and another teacher who want me to come help. What I didn't realize was that Elva switched tandas (they don't know why). This means that first through fourth grade are now in the morning like my side which complicates things... But they said that the preschool classroom is open in the afternoons and they could send the kiddos that need help to me from their homes and I can work with them there! With a chalkboard and everything! Haha Progress was made so hopefully I'll be able to get myself over there soon...

September 4, 2013. The second grade teacher called last minute this morning to say she was sick. What does that mean? Nati in that class and me alone again in first grade. To which I had no plans. Part of the day went well. I'm not sure if that actually meant progress or if the kiddos were just as tired as I am. One little man in particular has given me much resistance. I had a feeling I should be careful with him so I took him with me to see Ramona. I asked her what I could do. That I knew he was smart but he refused to do any work. She talked with him privately and then pulled me out to discuss his situation. He lives on the other side of the thruway with 6 brothers and sisters and his grandmother. His mother lives elsewhere and no longer visits. His father was basically never in the picture. She told me how he is always angry, rarely smiles, and will fight anyone any chance he can get. And he is 6 years old. This conversation was then continued during recess. Ramona told me about many (many) of the kids here that lack a structured, loving home. Another boy now in fourth has a mother who lives somewhere else and lives with a drunk father. He often has to sell random stuff in the streets to make money for food. Linda pays him $10RD to wash her dishes every Saturday morning. Ramona also talked about her fourth child that she has. Biologically she is not hers. But her cousin has five children with five different men; none of which are in the picture. And now, she no longer is either. The little girl is 2 years old and will probably never see her mother again. She and I cried together during our talk; with the reality of the world that surrounds us here and the overwhelming task that we have as teachers. Here (in the states too), we have to be mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, and teachers. 

You know, I always knew this existed in the world, outside the states and in it. And it always struck my heart in ways I couldn't explain. It's one of the reasons I want to teach in city schools when I return. But what I never thought about was how distant I still was from the reality. I heard about it all in the news, from a man in church, or through a friend of a friend who knew a story somewhere. Now here, living in a small community, living in poverty with them, and becoming a part of their family, the pain I feel is of a different kind. I can't imagine leaving this site.  And because of the disaster that is my project, if I never succeed in building effective, sustainable results, I will have failed in Peace Corps eyes. But Lordy if I could just be a best friend to these kids, or a motherly hug, or someone who taught them to read when they would've been otherwise ignored throughout their school career, I pray that I will feel as though I succeeded...

But until then, I'm still feeling the failures. I broke and told Nati she has to find someone else to teach. She has to act like I'm not here to be used at their disposal. She will not be here all of next week so she talked to a substitute that we have in the community in the afternoon. They laughed at me saying "Oh they tired her out!" or "The little first graders killed you, huh?" as I sat in silence and for once didn't smile pretending to be amused at the comments. Who knows if I'll ever be able to reconcile this when I want to start teacher training. Why would they listen to my advice when I was completely unsuccessful trying it on my own? 

But now I am free to do part of what I'm here to do: pull-outs. I'll start my evaluations tomorrow of the kids in first through fourth grade and eventually create my little groups and schedule when I'll be working with them.

And then to figure out parental involvement... But one thing at a time, right?

Buenas noches.