Nunca Te Olvidaré

One more thing. Fredito? The one I spoke of 100X and saved me on countless occasions of emotional breakdowns, or taking care of my house and Diego twice, or simply taking me to fill my empty gas tank so I could have cup of coffee? This is him:

And typical us:

He will never see this but deserves his own page. I will always be grateful to him and for proving that not all Dominican men aren't to be trusted. I cried countless times in front of him, trying my best to explain in broken, stuffy Spanish why and he (almost) always said what I needed to hear. Or loved and laughed at my silliness but never thought I was a weird American (well, maybe he did). Was always there to teach me something about the culture that flew over my head. Or simply provided company when I didn't even know I needed it most. And neither did he. 

Abrazos y amor. Te extrañaré pero nunca te olvidaré.

Nos Vemos Pronto

Diciembre 20, 2013

First things first:

Yup. This is the rooftop of the hotel that PC puts volunteers for whatever reason they might need to. As much as I'm still struggling, coming up here for the last two days and just soaking in the view, foregtting about all the garbage in the streets below, and loving the breeze that's blowing my hair in a thousand directions at once is therapeutic.

So Tuesday was the last day in my site. I spent most of it finishing packing, playing with my kids, and visiting Dulce and Moreno one more time. It was a numb day more than anything else. Then that night my munchkins came over and we had a blast. Sat and watched music videos on my iPad, danced, played Dominoes, and took more crazy pictures as my helmet was passed around to even the littlest ones:

It was perfection. And even getting them out of the house wasn't so bad. Yes, they hid in all parts to escape the inevitable but they weren't angry like normal. And I lost count of the hugs I get each time I somehow got them out the front door. Even Bebo who caused me the most problems and respected me the least gave me the best hugs and sat on my lap for a picture:

And cried while walking out with his mother... 

Wednesday I arose at 6:30am, hung out clothes that decided not to dry enough the day before, made my last cup of coffee, and finished putting everything in the front room. Ann arrived at 9:30 and we loaded up the truck. Then the visit to the school. It was "Kid's Day" so they were having a party. We talked with Natividad, Ann gave her a letter to pass around the community, and not a single community member showed up to fight for me. And they had told me the night before they would. This brought a mix of emotions. It saved me from feeling more guilt than I already do and from Ann having to deal with them. But it was just one more way in which I saw their promises and saw them not get followed through. I didn't want them to do it for me, I wanted it to do it for them. If they did, they would have proven themselves and a possibility of another volunteer in their near future would have been brighter. So I will admit feeling disappointment for them. We even passed by Ramona on our way out doing laundry; the one who made the biggest fuss about me leaving. But such is life.

Ramona (teacher) made the kids all chant "We love you" as I was leaving and since once would never be enough, there were three chants, each one getting louder. And if you're all wondering, yes, the tears were flowing. 

We pulled out onto the thruway and it was official. I left behind something beautiful, frustrating, life-changing, and challenging. There were problems, there were uncertainties, and while I know this is the right decision, I left a bigger part of my heart than I thought I would and after such a short amount of time. I'm not going to have anything left in this chest if this all keeps up. But we carry on. Pack up our things with another suitcase of unknowns, nerves, depression and anger but all alongside a bottle of faith. Faith that my next site will be all that this one couldn't be. But also be all that this site was. 

I have some more details but I will save those for when I get there so I can show you all and know more. My flight heads home to Buffalo this Sunday morning and my soul couldn't be any more ready. To see my family and friends and be encouraged like they do so I could turn around in three weeks and start all over again. Because right now, I will admit, the only motivation I have is getting through the craziness that are airports which still give me anxiety haha.

So I leave this blog at a standstill until I come back. I may do something if the flip side of culture shock actually exists but until the 12 of January, I leave you. I'll be back with a vengeance and ready to fight again, I promise. In the meantime, I wish and pray that all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Hold your dear ones tight and make memories you'll never forget. I'm sure going to.

Nos vemos pronto.

KM 59 to Las Terrenas to the Capital to Buffalo and off to Da Jabón

Diciembre 12, 2013. So let's update this life since I've been sick shall we? I really haven't done much but have been emotionally around the world and back again. And that's each day :P

When I got back, I started telling people I was leaving. First Natividad which was the smartest thing I could have done because she really understood. Since she basically came in around the same time I did and experienced this community first hand with me, I could tell her honestly where the problems lied and why Ann made the decision. The rest? It got rough. My pastor was quite upset. Linda, angry. Dulce and Moreno simply said, "Well, you gotta listen to your boss." Ramona cried. And many have made plans to meet with Ann when she comes to fight for me to stay. Every day since the word spread, everyone has told me repeatedly that I'm not leaving. They're even planning on bringing the entire student body to the meeting with the community members and Ann to.... Well to just kill me I guess. The movement they tried to start was upsetting. Because I see them come together, like they did in the past to get the old director booted and I see their passion. I see their determination. Their fight. But it's misdirected. Shallow. An empty threat. I had to remind myself that even if they convinced Ann to let me stay, they would go back to being complacent and again, nothing would get done.

And that's not to make you upset with them or angry. Because I'm not. It's not their fault. My placement wasn't done right. They weren't ready for a volunteer. There is still too many problems in the school. The streets are empty during the days because every one is working somewhere else. How could they help me? They're not here. And they don't understand how I could help them. Or why.

So with this added stress I decided to pass Diego off to another volunteer. I couldn't devote the time he needed to train him and just love him. He was high energy and wonderful but I was always leaving him. Also moving to a new site? I couldn't even begin to figure out how that would work since I have to stay with another host family for a bit. So, with the help of Lula, Greg and their friend in Villa who has a car, we made our way up to Samaná to meet Andrea. And... Decided to aprovechar the trip. There's beautiful beaches up there so we headed to Las Terrenas and stayed the night, beaching it up and drinking chocolate milk :) It was the escape I needed to recharge a little and I know they did too. Here's the beach:

And us:

I can't tell you how much I love this couple. I just hope the feelings mutual because... We found out this week we're going to the same area again :) 

So on that topic. Two days ago after keeping in touch with Ann almost everyday, she finally called with the decision. I am heading up to a campo near Da Jabón which is up in the north by the border of Haiti and the DR. That day I kept my door shut (though still had a few visitors) and felt every emotion possible, my body shaking along with. It's a whirlwind but I'm trying to stay focused on the fact that I'm going home first to be with my family. And will get to touch the snow.

Then yesterday happened which was beautiful. 1. I slept in. And though it felt wrong, it was needed. 2. I FaceTimed my momma. Always a good way to start the day. And she was wrapping presents in front of me :) 3. Luis and Fredito came by, had a few laughs with my mom and Sam and then while Luis was using my computer, Fredito and a few kids were wrestling and playing in my house. And I may have joined :) 4. I kicked them out to shower and plan for my last English class in Juananito. Which ended up being cancelled. I was upset since it was the last one and I wanted to get a picture with them but it led to this: 5. Playing baseball outside with the kiddos in my neighborhood. And getting muddy just after I showered (it's rained everyday here and the sun isn't strong enough to dry it up in between, believe it or not). And 6. Having about 15 munchkins in my house going crazy. Literally. Putting clothes pins all over their faces, scooting loudly in the little chairs I still have here, and climbing all over my walls. And I let them. Soaked those last few moments in and loved it. And for you to share in the joy that are these trouble makers (who were mad at me by the end of the night when I kicked them out like usual):

Oh and 7? Last night I was taken by a friend, Domingo, to dinner. We first stopped and got cookies and orange juice. Then Pico Pollo. Which would be the equivalent of fast food and delicious. We came back and then drank wine with Luis in my house. I'm thankful for them.

So today I arose and have my house on lockdown for a little while. The kids are running around peeking through the doors and cracks and playing baseball which occasionally hits my door or zinc roof hard and scares the shit out of me. Waiting for Ann to call and tell me when she's coming to break the news. The community has calmed down since last week so I'm hoping it will go over okay. And that all the kids don't show up to tear my heart out with them. I will be leaving Wednesday now. Ann said she could put me up in a hotel until my flight so I can escape a little early. Another bittersweet decision but I'm grateful for it. Guess I should start packing soon too...

And since it's morning? Buenos dias.

And I'm Okay.

Noviembre 28, 2013. So I have a parasite. Eatin me up. Ew. But, I've got medicine killin it and I'm feeling much better. And it wasn't Dengue!

You know. People here (PCVs) ask sometimes, "What were your selfish reasons for joining Peace Corps?"  And I've always struggled to answer. That's not to say I'm completely selfless and only want "world peace" and to "save the children" or some stuff like that. But I had a hard time figuring out what exactly that answer would be for me. Sure I've always wanted to learn Spanish for many reasons but I couldn't have known I was going to a Spanish-speaking country when I was applying... After these last two weeks of complete and utter chaos, however, I think I've got it. 

My life thus far these 24 years have been incredible. I have a family that loves me unconditionally. A mother that I've looked up to and wished I could be half as strong as her despite her challenges. A father that would do anything and give everything for his wife and children. An older brother who became distant but is still there and taught me so much my parents couldn't always teach. A younger sister figuring out life and love and growing stronger and more beautiful every day for it. A munchkin who brings joy to anyone who meets him. A grandmother who not only taught me but showed me what it means to have faith in The Lord. Another grandmother who showed me what a blessing children are and helped me find my passion in teaching. A best friend who knows me more than I know myself and has always been there through it all. Uncles, aunts, cousins, second cousins, non-blood related family. A home. Clothes. Food. I've had it all. And on this thanksgiving, as cliche as it is, I couldn't be more thankful for all of it. But that's just it. I've only ever known me, with them. And while that is a beautiful thing and something I would never want to change, I realized that I wanted to know me, outside of them. To discover what I'm capable of without having their safety net to always fall back on. I never want them out of my life, don't take any of this the wrong way. But when things got tough, could I make it on my own? Could I take care of myself? Could I discover a me without relying on their insights, perspectives, and infinite knowledge? This, I feel is my selfish reason for joining. Yes, they are always there when I'm a mess and crying. But through video chat or a telephone call. Yes, they give me comforting words when I'm sick but they're not here to bring me soup or a cold washcloth for my burning body.

And so, through these last few weeks I've found out I'm moving sites. And been a mess. I've gotten a parasite and honestly have felt the worst I've ever felt. I've wanted to do things and have had them to ask for their opinions, but they're not here to make decisions for me. So when I got sick, I had to take care of myself. I actually made the call to the docs (if you know me, that's a big deal). I got myself to the capital. I went alone to the lab to get tests done. I stayed, drank fluids, ate when I could, rested. Then when the challenging in-between came of going back to site or staying in the capital till the Thanksgiving party when I still felt pretty off, was worried about my dog, and knew my house was a mess, I had to figure things out on my own. I was being pushed to stay by friends. It would have been easier, after all. But something was pulling me to go. To go home, clean up my responsibilities and just go back to the capital the next day. And I did. I was shaking from head to toe when I made it with no strength whatsoever. But I cleaned my house, filled my water tank, did my dishes, took care of Diego, thanked Fredito 100X for doing that for me on short notice and not knowing how long I'd be gone, etc. and I woke up today, and left for the capital yet again. And despite it being non-stop, I felt good about it.

I made it to the random hotel on my own and we partied. We had a pool and jacuzzi on the roof:

We grouped together for a foto (or 4) of those that came in March together:

We sang (a lot):

Smiled some more:

And then we ate here: 

This:

And these (these were just for our table alone):

It wasn't gram's apple pie, but it was pie :D

And made a few messes:

And on the way back, I missed that last carro from Villa. I didn't hit freak-out moment yet but tried to make a few phone calls to see if someone could come get me. No one was answering. Then a random lady and her friend showed up and said something and turns to me and goes, "Let's go!" And I go "where?" She replied, "59!"  She made a phone call and a little guagua showed up in seconds and we were on our way. I thanked her and thanked her cuz I didn't know what I was going to do in the dark in Villa without a way to get home.

 After all that I sat in my house with no luz and just sighed. This has been insane. I've been depressed. Unsure. Lonely. Sick. And downright without hope. But I made it. I took care of my house, myself, Diego, and my emotions (everyone's got their moments, of course). And while I would never ask to not have my family and friends to help me through things, I now know that I can, in fact, do things on my own (with words of affirmation always welcome along the way aaaand a few answered and unanswered prayers from the Big Guy-can't actually do everything all on my own). 

And? I'm still me.

And I'm okay.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Buenas noches.

Don't Read if You're Grossed out by Illnesses

So I've never have gotten a flu shot in my adult life, here it was required and now I have flu-like symptoms. Damn.

Nope. Dengue-like symptoms. Yup. I wrote that when I woke up Sunday before the reality of whatever I had hit. So I am now in the capital, in a hotel, waiting out what feels like death approaching. Let's backtrack through this adventure though shall we?

Friday I found out that Ann is moving me. We barely even talked about what happened this last month after her ultimatum with my community but through my tears (and believe it or not, hers too and the rain...), it was decided without many words. Just lots of tears. I wrote this afterwards below:

"Pint of ice cream just for myself as if I'm going through a bad breakup. 

Blurry faces.

Imagining already being here for the last time. Washing my clothes in my tub by hand. Bucket showering in this shower. Making coffee in this kitchen. Sleeping in this room. Having these kids draw and color in this Sala de Tarea. Who knows if I'll even have enough space in my next house to have one?"

I write like that if I need to get thoughts out before having the time to put them in a cohesive order so, forgive me. But I'm a mess. I know she's right, and I know I'm unhappy but lord, how am I going to tell them? Ann said I can blame it all on her but that doesn't seem to help... My kids. I know them. All by face and name now. I know their home lives. I know their personalities. They drive me crazy. But I love each one of them. My move out day is right before I go home and my stuff will be in storage. Then when I return from the states, as if starting completely over in every way, I will be taken to my new home. Where? I don't know yet. I just told Ann, just give me one person. One person I can team up with. And she said okay.

Saturday was an emotionally better day. Fredito came over and just shared story after story with me and I happily listened. Sunday was when it hit. I woke up after not sleeping a wink and shivering all night (it was, in fact, very cold here), with a 102 fever. And for the rest of the day I went back and forth from crying in my bed (because a really loud moto kept going by-like many many times-and apparently that's enough to bring me to tears), going to the bathroom (I'll spare the details), rocking in my dinning room chair, shivering with the chills or sweating, and in so much pain all over my body you'd swear I'd gotten run over by a guagua. Twice. I took more Tylenol which didn't do much and went to bed early cuz really, what else can you do?

Around 8, I hadn't been sleeping yet but was close. Suddenly I hear a group of kids screaming, singing, banging pots and pans, and marching around the neighborhood. They passed my house 100 times and finally came to do so on my front porch. Head pounding with a pain I've never experienced before, I opened my front window, clapped for them when they finished, and they left. They didn't stop doing this until around 9:30/10. Now at this point, I put my phone on silent and even made sure my iPad volume was down.  Any sound was like someone was stabbing me in the head with my machete. Then at 11pm, I get a knock on the door and someone yelling my name. It was Yobi. And he proceeded to tell me 100X that he had been calling me all night. Oops. He came to pick up his furniture. At 11 o'clock at night... And had to hammer down the frame of the front door to get everything to fit. And brought about 10 guys to help as I said there and watched all gross and groggy with whatever this is. I moved all my stuff off the tables and the gorgeous shelving unit. And he took the other bed. Which I thought was gonna stay... That could either be a misunderstanding or he lied or changed his mind. But finally around midnight after multiple trips, he finished, hammered my door frame back, and left. 

The rest of the night I was able to sleep in between bathroom trips which would also woke me with intense body aches. In the morning, my fever was still 102 so I called Maria, my lovely PC doctor (seriously, I love her). I was told to keep taking Tylenol and go to a med clinic to get a stool sample (sorry). This would be to check if I have any sort of viral or bacterial infection first that's causing these symptoms. They can't check for Dengue until after five days with a fever. I WILL DIE. But also, our huge Thanksgiving party is this week and I was so so so looking forward to that :( 

Turns out the clinic couldn't do it until Wednesday with the results not coming in until Monday. I called Maria and she told me to come to the capital. Now to find someone for Diego and somehow get food for him (just ran out). I messaged Lili to see if Fredito was arriba and could come down. Nothing. I wanted to call Linda, didn't have minutes. Natividad came to see me cuz she heard I was sick and proceeded to guilt trip me for not calling her. I finally went abajo to see if the Ferreteria had food and they did for the first time I had been in site. Which meant I didn't have to go to Villa first or make poor Lula and Greg bring some for me. I also bought minutes. Passing Luis, he said Fredito was arriba so I decided to make the trek up despite feeling the weakness and dizziness coming on stronger by this point. He wasn't there... I went home, called Linda and she said she could watch him. I wasn't too thrilled for various reasons but I was desperate at that point. I left the key and  leash in her house and finally headed out around 1:30. On my way down, Fredito passed me on his moto and said he could stay at my house for me. Gracias a Dios for perfect timing there.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for a guagua but in getting in the front, I spent the entire time getting stared at by the chofer as he would swerve a little and telling him over and over again I wouldn't give him my number. He continued to tell me he'd come visit me at my site. And when I paid him, and he found out why I was going to the capital, he didn't give me my change and said he would take me directly where I needed to go. I was not happy. Though I may be becoming slightly Dominican when I realized I was somewhat flattered he called me beautiful when I feel like absolute shit... I'm ashamed to admit that... But was still moreso stressed and angry and annoyed by him. So I'm still me.

When we arrived to the street I needed to get dropped off at though, he had more people to take so I told him to leave me because I needed to get there now. He gave me my change and let me go. After walked a few blocks, I finally made it. Maria pulled me in, did a routine check-up, asked me why my pulse was racing (dude, I had to walk two blocks to get there), and made reservations for a hotel room with orders to go to the lab at some point tonight to get blood drawn and a stool sample (sorry again). She also held my hand and gave me an incredibly loving pep talk when I told her I'm moving sites. And Boriana (the other amazing doctor) gave me a huge hug and proceeded to beat me in the back saying, "They say that sometimes you have to hit a nail with another nail to get it loose." I don't know if that is true cuz it hurt like hell but god I love her. So I headed out, and to save me from walking, Maria called a driver to take me there :)

At the hotel, I rested a bit, and finally made it out to buy some juice, water, and crackers (since I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning-which was a piece of bread). I was nervous cuz I knew I had to go to the lab soon and it had been a couple hours since I needed to race to the bathroom... Buuuut as soon as I drank that cup of coffee that the wonderful lady of the hotel offered me and ate the crackers, I went. So at 7pm, I headed out, buying another package of crackers por si acaso. I ate half the package on the way. When I arrived, I didn't have to wait long, got blood drawn and was given two cups to do #1 and #2. Aaaand I could barely go. I think I sat in that bathroom for at least twenty minutes and even desperately tried to eat more crackers while on the dam toilet to help things along (TMI? I warned you with the post title)... Didn't help. I emerged from the bathroom and apologized telling her I couldn't do anymore. She laughed, looked at what I had  and said it was plenty. Oh thank goodness. I left and as soon as I arrived back at the hotel, had to go. And it was bad. But thankfully my legs don't have to endure another walk until tomorrow. Maria is gonna call me with the results in the morning and let me know if I need to go to her again or just rest more... 

Now I just need to work up the courage to shower. This hotel doesn't have hot water and the cold bucket shower I took at home before leaving? Not pleasant with a fever...

Keeping you posted on all things lovely, Buenas noches.

Also my mom said this the other day:

"With all this technology, there should be a way to send hugs through the Internet. Ones you can actually feel."

And I couldn't want that more.

Spanish, Puppy Chow, and Christmas

Noviembre 20, 2013. "BESAME, BESAME, bljsodjscnkk xnosdjjd wordsidontknow etc." Yes, I am currently singing an awesome belt-out-in-your-car-windows-rolled-down-and-with-your-mother-including-whole-body-movements song :) 

And despite the fact that the song is blaring from the speakers in the room next to me, currently I'm alright with it. For now...

It is now Wednesday, day 3 of ISLT or "In-Service Language Training." There are 8 of us and we are back in the capital living which our host families from way back in March in Pantoja. Yes, it does feel like forever ago when we first arrived and started training here and yes, I hate Pantoja just as much as I did before. It's a barrio of the capital and it's busy, loud, and there are lots of men with shameless stares and many, many clever piropos. The fun part about that, however, is that I can actually understand them now. So I get to just laugh as they're thrown out instead of uneasily walking faster without trying to be noticeably uncomfortable. And speaking of understanding, I basically understand everything that my host mom says (as long as she's talking to me and I'm paying attention)! It's pretty exciting and hasn't change the awkwardness I feel with her so I don't think it was me! Not being so concerned about the impression I make here, I now stay with my friends as long as I can and use my super small amount of homework as an excuse to stay in my room for the whole night. And they play dominoes with this new habit if blaring music for at least three hours each night. So we're good I think. All I can say is I'm so glad that wasn't the case when I was first here. I may have ETed and gone deaf.

To be honest with how I'm feeling, I wrote another blog entry that I chose to not publish and keep in my private stash of journalings. It worded itself in a much more depressing manner than I was ready for or even aware of. Here's the beginning though. Just as a description of what it was like walking onto the training grounds for the first time in over 6 months:

"And there I was. Standing on the narrow, stone walkway where the edges still cracked and crumbled to the grass below. Connecting the aulas with zinc roofs and dry erase boards that still stood scattered on the property. The man in the blue jump suit raked the fallen leaves but the trees seemingly remained full. Your footsteps yet again went from a gentle tap on the walkway to the loud cracks as the stone driveway shifted with your every move...

But there was a stillness in the air unfamiliar to me now. Once a group of 33 here, now only 8 returned. We were children then. Anxiously learning with every breath. Hope and exciting uncertainty dancing in our eyes just as the lights on the Christmas trees do on every Eve.  To most questions, answers. To many others, only answered in time. We were sea sponges, soaking in all the water but ensuring that we only held in the nutrients we needed. The world was kind; every teacher helpful and every staff member shamefully optimistic, trying to preserve our innocence. Our blissful ignorance."

That's where it gets sad so I'll attempt at paraphrasing in a not-so-sad way. It was just a strange feeling. To be hit so incredibly hard with what I used to feel here and how I feel now. Then, I had no clue where I was going to be. What my project would entail. Who my neighbors would be. What my house would be like. Etc, etc, etc. Now I know. I live in a home made out of wood. I have neighbors, many are Haitian who speak Creole and I don't understand a word of it (okay, maybe a word here and there). I have two schools with kids who's faces and names I know.  So much to be grateful for. And yet, I'm unhappy. I struggle every day to get up and see the purpose in my being here. I know significantly more Spanish and it shows. But while it feels like I've been away from Pantoja for years, it's only been 6 months. And my emotions, confidence, excitement, and vision of what I can accomplish have dwindled like I could have never imagined.

But to turn this still depressing post around a bit, what has not changed is my passion. The talk of changing sites has been brought up on too many occasions. And while I fought it hard and still am trying to, it's a possibility now. Though even writing this, a huge part of me is screaming NO... But with either choice I make it's because I still feel a fiery passion in my chest when I think about the reality that I'm in the Peace Corps. So if I stay in my community, it's because I can't imagine knowing how much of a disaster it is and leaving for somewhere else. I have a family, friends, kids, and so much work that needs to be done there. I'm not as comfortable as I thought I would feel but I know that if they'll allow me, I could do so much good there.. But if I move, it's because with the problems that exist in my site, I might not be able to accomplish what I could accomplish somewhere else. And they do have an NGO with funds and extra help, something that other places don't have at all. It may just be because I have way too much passion for what's possible in KM59... But Lordy this isn't easy. The tears are welling now even thinking about trying to make a damn decision.

In other news I went to La Sirena today which is like a big Walmart here. And I used to think they had everything, right? So I go in, planning on buying everything I need to make Puppy Chow cuz someone mentioned it at training, I haven't had it in forever, I LOVE it, and I really wanted to share it with my kiddos back at my site. After scanning the cereal aisle (where they had an entire aisle of different cereals just like back home!), come to find out, they don't have Chex!! Or anything like it! Name any other cereal and they had it! But Chex NO. What the hell?? I was so sad. Attempt 2 will be at a mini supermarket by the PC Office Friday before heading back to my site.

I also may or may not have bought a mini Christmas tree, wreath, more lights, and ornaments for when they take all my furniture away. I will create my little Christmas corner with all these things to keep me from crying in my empty house :D I'm so excited.

So here's to two more days of Spanish. To fighting depression and winning. To loving my family. To Puppy Chow (for luck in the supermarket). To getting back to my site with a fresh perspective (hopefully that will be the case after talking to Ann this Friday). And to Christmas.

Buenas noches.

New PC Project: Looking for Gold

Noviembre 9, 2013. Well my in-site English class was okay. I didn't have great plans because I was unsure of who was going to show up and how to progress. If there were new people, I needed to move forward. If there were old people, I needed to review. There were both. But like I said, it went alright.

What bugged me was waking up and waiting around for the woman to come and plan for our preschool. She didn't come... Then I went to the school to get the list of "Outstanding Students" for October so I could take pictures and get them printed for the newsletter. I had given Natividad a list of the grades so she could get the list for me last Monday. She still didn't finish it. This teacher was missing. This teacher said there wasn't a single good student last month (not one...). Then this one had to leave. This one had training... Etc. and she mentioned that she needed a substitute for next week. Knowing she wanted me to offer, I left in silence...

Today I arose slowly, cleaned my house, and almost changed my mind about going arriba to visit my host mom and her family. I'm so glad I didn't. We hung out, watched TV, ate, shucked guandules (which I decided to do instead of leave at one point; another great decision), talked, and then went to the river to look for gold. Yup! It's legit. And so many people have been doing it in my site lately. So we walked up towards the mountains and Fredito showed me all of the parts of the river they had already sifted through. It was crazy, and is so much work. They start on one side of the river, moving all the rock to the other side and digging until they can't dig anymore; and then with their large wooden shallow bowls, they swirl them in a very specific way to allow the gold to sink to the bottom because it weighs more than the pebbles and sand. Seriously fascinating. And I was able to see a little piece of gold a neighbor of mine had found. One downfall I'll mention since it is now a lesson learned and avoidable, was a tree. Yup. I was climbing down from the path to get the the river. One part was steep so I leaned forward to grab a tree, palm wide open, fingers stretched. And as soon as I grabbed it, I hear, "Cuidao!!"  And then the pain hit. The damn tree had thick spikes all over it. So while watching, I was picking out wooden spikes from my hand and sucking the blood. Hahaha

I begrudgingly returned home to change and look for the woman that wanted to help me with the preschool. She said her son had the fever and her daughter was sick. And then...proceeded to tell me that she can't help me after all. Her husband works during the days and they have no one to watch the kids. I left and went to see Manuela who wanted to see me. She said that even though Elva told me she didn't want me crossing the thruway three times a week, that I need to do it anyways (but pretend that we never had this conversation). She explained that she knows how much I want to help and she knows how badly these kids need it. 

So after revamping my entire project and looking to finally get started, I'm back to square one. I had two days in the afternoon in El Batey and two here in Rancho de Yaguas. And my preschool in the mornings three days a week (none of which I've started yet but that was the plan that looked promising). And I was no longer in the school. But now it looks like nothing will ever get done in the school if I'm not there. My preschool just abruptly halted (after I made my caterpillar numbers and paint palate with labelled colors and calendar with changeable dates). Manuela wants me in El Batey three times a week. So what do I do here, on my side? Good question.

I think I've decided to devote my time to looking for gold with everyone else here. It seems to be the thing to do. And I get to hang out in a river all day and not have to sweat under my zinc roof. And chill with the people from my community and the kids still. And hopefully actually find some, keep some, and sell some for extra pesos. And then when I go talk to Ann or someone from Peace Corps, anytime they ask me something about my site and my projects, I'll just go, "Look! Gold!" And they'll be so impressed and in awe that I won't have to answer. Yea. That sounds good.

And with newfound purpose, I'm going to cook dinner by candlelight (the luz schedule has changed and we no longer have electricity at night...). Romantic, right?  And since I don't have a TV to watch a movie or soap opera, I have what they called a "Christian Circle" right outside my house. They just borrowed my four plastic chairs and there are people sitting, pacing, everyone is chanting something different about God and sometimes bust into a song together. But mostly it just sounds like chaos. Way better than a TV.

Cue megaphone. I took sound clips because I can't describe what's going on out there in a way it would do it justice. But this damn blogger will only let me post pictures lol. Ah well.

Buenas noches?