And despite the fact that the song is blaring from the speakers in the room next to me, currently I'm alright with it. For now...
It is now Wednesday, day 3 of ISLT or "In-Service Language Training." There are 8 of us and we are back in the capital living which our host families from way back in March in Pantoja. Yes, it does feel like forever ago when we first arrived and started training here and yes, I hate Pantoja just as much as I did before. It's a barrio of the capital and it's busy, loud, and there are lots of men with shameless stares and many, many clever piropos. The fun part about that, however, is that I can actually understand them now. So I get to just laugh as they're thrown out instead of uneasily walking faster without trying to be noticeably uncomfortable. And speaking of understanding, I basically understand everything that my host mom says (as long as she's talking to me and I'm paying attention)! It's pretty exciting and hasn't change the awkwardness I feel with her so I don't think it was me! Not being so concerned about the impression I make here, I now stay with my friends as long as I can and use my super small amount of homework as an excuse to stay in my room for the whole night. And they play dominoes with this new habit if blaring music for at least three hours each night. So we're good I think. All I can say is I'm so glad that wasn't the case when I was first here. I may have ETed and gone deaf.
To be honest with how I'm feeling, I wrote another blog entry that I chose to not publish and keep in my private stash of journalings. It worded itself in a much more depressing manner than I was ready for or even aware of. Here's the beginning though. Just as a description of what it was like walking onto the training grounds for the first time in over 6 months:
"And there I was. Standing on the narrow, stone walkway where the edges still cracked and crumbled to the grass below. Connecting the aulas with zinc roofs and dry erase boards that still stood scattered on the property. The man in the blue jump suit raked the fallen leaves but the trees seemingly remained full. Your footsteps yet again went from a gentle tap on the walkway to the loud cracks as the stone driveway shifted with your every move...
But there was a stillness in the air unfamiliar to me now. Once a group of 33 here, now only 8 returned. We were children then. Anxiously learning with every breath. Hope and exciting uncertainty dancing in our eyes just as the lights on the Christmas trees do on every Eve. To most questions, answers. To many others, only answered in time. We were sea sponges, soaking in all the water but ensuring that we only held in the nutrients we needed. The world was kind; every teacher helpful and every staff member shamefully optimistic, trying to preserve our innocence. Our blissful ignorance."
That's where it gets sad so I'll attempt at paraphrasing in a not-so-sad way. It was just a strange feeling. To be hit so incredibly hard with what I used to feel here and how I feel now. Then, I had no clue where I was going to be. What my project would entail. Who my neighbors would be. What my house would be like. Etc, etc, etc. Now I know. I live in a home made out of wood. I have neighbors, many are Haitian who speak Creole and I don't understand a word of it (okay, maybe a word here and there). I have two schools with kids who's faces and names I know. So much to be grateful for. And yet, I'm unhappy. I struggle every day to get up and see the purpose in my being here. I know significantly more Spanish and it shows. But while it feels like I've been away from Pantoja for years, it's only been 6 months. And my emotions, confidence, excitement, and vision of what I can accomplish have dwindled like I could have never imagined.
But to turn this still depressing post around a bit, what has not changed is my passion. The talk of changing sites has been brought up on too many occasions. And while I fought it hard and still am trying to, it's a possibility now. Though even writing this, a huge part of me is screaming NO... But with either choice I make it's because I still feel a fiery passion in my chest when I think about the reality that I'm in the Peace Corps. So if I stay in my community, it's because I can't imagine knowing how much of a disaster it is and leaving for somewhere else. I have a family, friends, kids, and so much work that needs to be done there. I'm not as comfortable as I thought I would feel but I know that if they'll allow me, I could do so much good there.. But if I move, it's because with the problems that exist in my site, I might not be able to accomplish what I could accomplish somewhere else. And they do have an NGO with funds and extra help, something that other places don't have at all. It may just be because I have way too much passion for what's possible in KM59... But Lordy this isn't easy. The tears are welling now even thinking about trying to make a damn decision.
In other news I went to La Sirena today which is like a big Walmart here. And I used to think they had everything, right? So I go in, planning on buying everything I need to make Puppy Chow cuz someone mentioned it at training, I haven't had it in forever, I LOVE it, and I really wanted to share it with my kiddos back at my site. After scanning the cereal aisle (where they had an entire aisle of different cereals just like back home!), come to find out, they don't have Chex!! Or anything like it! Name any other cereal and they had it! But Chex NO. What the hell?? I was so sad. Attempt 2 will be at a mini supermarket by the PC Office Friday before heading back to my site.
I also may or may not have bought a mini Christmas tree, wreath, more lights, and ornaments for when they take all my furniture away. I will create my little Christmas corner with all these things to keep me from crying in my empty house :D I'm so excited.
So here's to two more days of Spanish. To fighting depression and winning. To loving my family. To Puppy Chow (for luck in the supermarket). To getting back to my site with a fresh perspective (hopefully that will be the case after talking to Ann this Friday). And to Christmas.
Buenas noches.
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