The Hidden Foundation before The Walls

October 10, 2013.  So Monday night I prayed long and hard. I will admit that I don't always do that when I should. But I needed it. Then Tuesday went horribly and I'd rather not share the details here. But I hit my limit. I tried to pace outside the school but I couldn't see straight. I left school early sobbing and shaking uncontrollably and was a mess after flipping on my teacher and director about their petty problems. I did laundry and showered to calm myself and then stayed in bed all day and wallowed. Today, I awoke with my alarm and didn't feel ready to go back to the school. I texted my director and said I was sick; which emotionally, was absolutely accurate. And went back to sleep. At 9:30am, I received a phone call from Ramona, the fourth grade teacher. She asked what I was doing, told me to get up and that she had a surprise for me. I arose and about 20 minutes later there was a knock on my door. As I opened the door, I was greeted by a sea of blue shirts and khaki pants and skirts. Still groggy and a mess, about 65 kids and 3 teachers were all outside my house yelling and cheering. They all piled into my house and attack hugged me. On command with Ramona they chanted together, "Feel better! Come back! We love you! And we're sorry!" I fell to tears yet again but from a very different emotion than yesterday. It took me a bit for it to sink in as the pain I feel about this site, my community and my project was/is still strong. But after speaking with my father and looking up to the skies thinking of a dear friend back home and his constant reminder of my needed faith, I knew my prayers had been answered. The big guy was just reminding me that it's on His time and that it will all be worth it. I'm not here to do what I thought I was supposed to do or even what the Peace Corps thinks I'm supposed to do. But I'm here to give the community what it needs and provide the kids hope for a better tomorrow. And I'm going to do it.  

So with a newfound strength that I know will come and go, I'm ready to face tomorrow and get my ass out of bed. 

That friend continues to change my life (you know who you are, Charles. Oops I told everyone ;) ) and is a constant reminder to keep my faith in The Lord and be patient.  That He is capable of miraculous things. One of which was just here on my front porch and in my house in the form of about 65 munchkins wrapping their little arms around me and telling me they loved me.

Afterwards I spent time translating my annual plan into Spanish to send to the NGO as requested by my boss Ann. The more I did it though, the more it felt wrong. All of my Peace Corps goals and strategies didn't fit in the puzzle that is KM 59. And just as I was putting in the email addresses to press send, on cue, Ann called me. I filled her in on everything and told her what I thought. I'm here and not leaving (after today?? No way) but I need to change my expectations and goals.

And so:

Ann supports me and my thoughts of revamping my entire project plan and staying put (and told me not to send my annual plan-phew!). Another very special person in my life spoke of needing a foundation in order to build a house and how there is no foundation here in my site. I shared this with her and she absolutely agreed (THANKS DAD!). She's coming to my community soon to have a meeting and get these people straight. Telling them that there are so many communities that are dying for a volunteer but I'm here, with them. And they need to get their shit together in order for me to do my job, what is required of me by AMCHAM and The Peace Corps and what is so desperately needed here. She praised me like crazy saying she understands but that I'm a saint for starting here at rock bottom (which is totally against Peace Corps requirements for an education site placement-there needs to be a foundation with some organization in order for us to work and be successful with the kids, teachers, and community-I can't do any of that here yet and go to school everyday not knowing what my job will entail) and being committed. Haha She also told me to do a "Slot Analysis" before she comes which is just like a list of pros and cons so I can look at how I can capitalize on the strengths of my community and improve the weaknesses. I'm pretty sure that same super intelligent man in my life just told me that today. And I'm pretty sure he should become president. Or at least Diamond so he can change thousands of other people's lives like he has mine. I love you daddy. So many people are changing my life from a distance...

So I've been reborn. The path ahead of me is fuzzy and confusing and challenging but I now know why I was struggling so hard with my previous expectations. They were pieces to the wrong puzzle. This next little bit will determine a lot and probably be full of mistakes. And this strength and refreshment I feel now will leave me and return just as it always has since I landed here March 6, in the DR. But I'm ready. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left this community knowing how badly they need something or someone. Yes, other communities are dying for a volunteer but I won't leave this one like so many others have. No, I won't be able to change their entire situation and solve everything. But the next volunteer after me can build the walls above the hidden foundation that we've laid and actually see the results of all of our hard work. And that will be enough.