Maybe I shouldn't write this blog. Maybe I'll write it and decide not to publish it once the luz comes back. Maybe I'll do it anyways but look back in 11 months and go, "Julie, were you on drugs last summer?" Maybe I'll get criticized, cast away, and medically confirmed as insane. Maybe this is just hormones. Or what comes with a current lack of work and ample time to sit and think. Or maybe I am, indeed, certifiably insane.
But maybe something happened today. Something crazy, life-changing, and beautiful. I've fallen in love. Many of you know this already but to the extend to which I feel it, no one really understands. My mom came close. When she was here and a certain young girl latched on to her within the first day, she looked at me and said, "Julie, is it possible to fall in love in one day?" I told her she has no idea. And even I can't contain the feeling, condense it, and form cohesive thoughts to express what my aching heart cries out each and every day. But I when I look at him with that look and he knows he owes me my daily hug, or I let him lie in my lap and just let him fall asleep, or I tell her that I love her and she says nothing back but the smile alone tells all, it's just there. Yes, I've fallen in love three times over. One is 11, another 13, and another 14. And while 11 months remain in this life surrounded by mango trees, zinc roofs, and merengue music, when I think about the day I leave, my face swells up, the tears test my strength, and I want to throw up. Literally. The big blue Peace Corps invitation envelope didn't prepare me for this. No one did. No one could have. My heart belongs to each child here, yes. But these three have absolutely seeped their way into my blood. Becoming family without even trying.
So the research has started. And if you haven't already guessed it, I'm looking into adoption. Certifiably insane, I know. But when an idea imprints itself in my heart before anything makes sense logically in my head, I have to do something. Even if that means looking into it without any real possibility of it becoming reality. But I've looked at PC's policy, the DR's policy, emailed my boss (yup, true story), and spoken with my parents. All of that in one day. And I still feel like I'm going to explode. Or throw up. Take your pick. I almost wish at least one would happen to release some of the pressure.
What is wrong with me? How would I get them to the states? With what money? Where would we stay? How would people look at me? Am I ready to take on three children at 25 before even having my own or even a husband? Is there even a man out there who would look at me and take on such a responsibility (ha. I find this question funny in the sense that I feel like it should matter more than it seems to)? How could I afford to raise them? What if I want to go back to school? How would they go to school? How would they adjust to life there with the language and culture completely opposing all that they know? Would they miss home too much and regret coming? What if they hate it? How in the world do I even approach their mother about this is the first place?? My life and theirs would be changed forever. And it certainly wouldn't always be easy.
But then I think of my future. With them. And it's so much easier than you think. Being with them all the time. Riding bikes. Going to the movies. Buying them new clothes. Being with my family, them included. Loving them each and every day and showing them that love. Drowning them in it. Coming back to the DR to visit every summer. Teaching them English. Maybe even home schooling them. Waking up in the mornings with them. Providing them with opportunities they could never even dream of. Showing them things they never knew existed. Giving them a future outside this world with dirt roads, latrines, and fights... Most of these are little things. But they seem to easily tip the scale and make all the prior challenging questions fall into insignificance...
Part of this is completely selfish and I will openly admit to that. I always hate the line "I don't know what I'd do without you" when it comes to relationships but I'm telling the truth when I say that I don't know what I'd do without these three. It's almost as if my future is now fuzzy unless they're included. Where did this come from? Yet again, should I be seeing a shrink?
But you know what? Go ahead, call me crazy. Because when I think of providing this life for them and never having to say goodbye? The peace, joy, and excitement I feel is indescribable. It burns. And I love it.
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