Nunca Te Olvidaré

One more thing. Fredito? The one I spoke of 100X and saved me on countless occasions of emotional breakdowns, or taking care of my house and Diego twice, or simply taking me to fill my empty gas tank so I could have cup of coffee? This is him:

And typical us:

He will never see this but deserves his own page. I will always be grateful to him and for proving that not all Dominican men aren't to be trusted. I cried countless times in front of him, trying my best to explain in broken, stuffy Spanish why and he (almost) always said what I needed to hear. Or loved and laughed at my silliness but never thought I was a weird American (well, maybe he did). Was always there to teach me something about the culture that flew over my head. Or simply provided company when I didn't even know I needed it most. And neither did he. 

Abrazos y amor. Te extrañaré pero nunca te olvidaré.

Nos Vemos Pronto

Diciembre 20, 2013

First things first:

Yup. This is the rooftop of the hotel that PC puts volunteers for whatever reason they might need to. As much as I'm still struggling, coming up here for the last two days and just soaking in the view, foregtting about all the garbage in the streets below, and loving the breeze that's blowing my hair in a thousand directions at once is therapeutic.

So Tuesday was the last day in my site. I spent most of it finishing packing, playing with my kids, and visiting Dulce and Moreno one more time. It was a numb day more than anything else. Then that night my munchkins came over and we had a blast. Sat and watched music videos on my iPad, danced, played Dominoes, and took more crazy pictures as my helmet was passed around to even the littlest ones:

It was perfection. And even getting them out of the house wasn't so bad. Yes, they hid in all parts to escape the inevitable but they weren't angry like normal. And I lost count of the hugs I get each time I somehow got them out the front door. Even Bebo who caused me the most problems and respected me the least gave me the best hugs and sat on my lap for a picture:

And cried while walking out with his mother... 

Wednesday I arose at 6:30am, hung out clothes that decided not to dry enough the day before, made my last cup of coffee, and finished putting everything in the front room. Ann arrived at 9:30 and we loaded up the truck. Then the visit to the school. It was "Kid's Day" so they were having a party. We talked with Natividad, Ann gave her a letter to pass around the community, and not a single community member showed up to fight for me. And they had told me the night before they would. This brought a mix of emotions. It saved me from feeling more guilt than I already do and from Ann having to deal with them. But it was just one more way in which I saw their promises and saw them not get followed through. I didn't want them to do it for me, I wanted it to do it for them. If they did, they would have proven themselves and a possibility of another volunteer in their near future would have been brighter. So I will admit feeling disappointment for them. We even passed by Ramona on our way out doing laundry; the one who made the biggest fuss about me leaving. But such is life.

Ramona (teacher) made the kids all chant "We love you" as I was leaving and since once would never be enough, there were three chants, each one getting louder. And if you're all wondering, yes, the tears were flowing. 

We pulled out onto the thruway and it was official. I left behind something beautiful, frustrating, life-changing, and challenging. There were problems, there were uncertainties, and while I know this is the right decision, I left a bigger part of my heart than I thought I would and after such a short amount of time. I'm not going to have anything left in this chest if this all keeps up. But we carry on. Pack up our things with another suitcase of unknowns, nerves, depression and anger but all alongside a bottle of faith. Faith that my next site will be all that this one couldn't be. But also be all that this site was. 

I have some more details but I will save those for when I get there so I can show you all and know more. My flight heads home to Buffalo this Sunday morning and my soul couldn't be any more ready. To see my family and friends and be encouraged like they do so I could turn around in three weeks and start all over again. Because right now, I will admit, the only motivation I have is getting through the craziness that are airports which still give me anxiety haha.

So I leave this blog at a standstill until I come back. I may do something if the flip side of culture shock actually exists but until the 12 of January, I leave you. I'll be back with a vengeance and ready to fight again, I promise. In the meantime, I wish and pray that all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Hold your dear ones tight and make memories you'll never forget. I'm sure going to.

Nos vemos pronto.

KM 59 to Las Terrenas to the Capital to Buffalo and off to Da Jabón

Diciembre 12, 2013. So let's update this life since I've been sick shall we? I really haven't done much but have been emotionally around the world and back again. And that's each day :P

When I got back, I started telling people I was leaving. First Natividad which was the smartest thing I could have done because she really understood. Since she basically came in around the same time I did and experienced this community first hand with me, I could tell her honestly where the problems lied and why Ann made the decision. The rest? It got rough. My pastor was quite upset. Linda, angry. Dulce and Moreno simply said, "Well, you gotta listen to your boss." Ramona cried. And many have made plans to meet with Ann when she comes to fight for me to stay. Every day since the word spread, everyone has told me repeatedly that I'm not leaving. They're even planning on bringing the entire student body to the meeting with the community members and Ann to.... Well to just kill me I guess. The movement they tried to start was upsetting. Because I see them come together, like they did in the past to get the old director booted and I see their passion. I see their determination. Their fight. But it's misdirected. Shallow. An empty threat. I had to remind myself that even if they convinced Ann to let me stay, they would go back to being complacent and again, nothing would get done.

And that's not to make you upset with them or angry. Because I'm not. It's not their fault. My placement wasn't done right. They weren't ready for a volunteer. There is still too many problems in the school. The streets are empty during the days because every one is working somewhere else. How could they help me? They're not here. And they don't understand how I could help them. Or why.

So with this added stress I decided to pass Diego off to another volunteer. I couldn't devote the time he needed to train him and just love him. He was high energy and wonderful but I was always leaving him. Also moving to a new site? I couldn't even begin to figure out how that would work since I have to stay with another host family for a bit. So, with the help of Lula, Greg and their friend in Villa who has a car, we made our way up to Samaná to meet Andrea. And... Decided to aprovechar the trip. There's beautiful beaches up there so we headed to Las Terrenas and stayed the night, beaching it up and drinking chocolate milk :) It was the escape I needed to recharge a little and I know they did too. Here's the beach:

And us:

I can't tell you how much I love this couple. I just hope the feelings mutual because... We found out this week we're going to the same area again :) 

So on that topic. Two days ago after keeping in touch with Ann almost everyday, she finally called with the decision. I am heading up to a campo near Da Jabón which is up in the north by the border of Haiti and the DR. That day I kept my door shut (though still had a few visitors) and felt every emotion possible, my body shaking along with. It's a whirlwind but I'm trying to stay focused on the fact that I'm going home first to be with my family. And will get to touch the snow.

Then yesterday happened which was beautiful. 1. I slept in. And though it felt wrong, it was needed. 2. I FaceTimed my momma. Always a good way to start the day. And she was wrapping presents in front of me :) 3. Luis and Fredito came by, had a few laughs with my mom and Sam and then while Luis was using my computer, Fredito and a few kids were wrestling and playing in my house. And I may have joined :) 4. I kicked them out to shower and plan for my last English class in Juananito. Which ended up being cancelled. I was upset since it was the last one and I wanted to get a picture with them but it led to this: 5. Playing baseball outside with the kiddos in my neighborhood. And getting muddy just after I showered (it's rained everyday here and the sun isn't strong enough to dry it up in between, believe it or not). And 6. Having about 15 munchkins in my house going crazy. Literally. Putting clothes pins all over their faces, scooting loudly in the little chairs I still have here, and climbing all over my walls. And I let them. Soaked those last few moments in and loved it. And for you to share in the joy that are these trouble makers (who were mad at me by the end of the night when I kicked them out like usual):

Oh and 7? Last night I was taken by a friend, Domingo, to dinner. We first stopped and got cookies and orange juice. Then Pico Pollo. Which would be the equivalent of fast food and delicious. We came back and then drank wine with Luis in my house. I'm thankful for them.

So today I arose and have my house on lockdown for a little while. The kids are running around peeking through the doors and cracks and playing baseball which occasionally hits my door or zinc roof hard and scares the shit out of me. Waiting for Ann to call and tell me when she's coming to break the news. The community has calmed down since last week so I'm hoping it will go over okay. And that all the kids don't show up to tear my heart out with them. I will be leaving Wednesday now. Ann said she could put me up in a hotel until my flight so I can escape a little early. Another bittersweet decision but I'm grateful for it. Guess I should start packing soon too...

And since it's morning? Buenos dias.

And I'm Okay.

Noviembre 28, 2013. So I have a parasite. Eatin me up. Ew. But, I've got medicine killin it and I'm feeling much better. And it wasn't Dengue!

You know. People here (PCVs) ask sometimes, "What were your selfish reasons for joining Peace Corps?"  And I've always struggled to answer. That's not to say I'm completely selfless and only want "world peace" and to "save the children" or some stuff like that. But I had a hard time figuring out what exactly that answer would be for me. Sure I've always wanted to learn Spanish for many reasons but I couldn't have known I was going to a Spanish-speaking country when I was applying... After these last two weeks of complete and utter chaos, however, I think I've got it. 

My life thus far these 24 years have been incredible. I have a family that loves me unconditionally. A mother that I've looked up to and wished I could be half as strong as her despite her challenges. A father that would do anything and give everything for his wife and children. An older brother who became distant but is still there and taught me so much my parents couldn't always teach. A younger sister figuring out life and love and growing stronger and more beautiful every day for it. A munchkin who brings joy to anyone who meets him. A grandmother who not only taught me but showed me what it means to have faith in The Lord. Another grandmother who showed me what a blessing children are and helped me find my passion in teaching. A best friend who knows me more than I know myself and has always been there through it all. Uncles, aunts, cousins, second cousins, non-blood related family. A home. Clothes. Food. I've had it all. And on this thanksgiving, as cliche as it is, I couldn't be more thankful for all of it. But that's just it. I've only ever known me, with them. And while that is a beautiful thing and something I would never want to change, I realized that I wanted to know me, outside of them. To discover what I'm capable of without having their safety net to always fall back on. I never want them out of my life, don't take any of this the wrong way. But when things got tough, could I make it on my own? Could I take care of myself? Could I discover a me without relying on their insights, perspectives, and infinite knowledge? This, I feel is my selfish reason for joining. Yes, they are always there when I'm a mess and crying. But through video chat or a telephone call. Yes, they give me comforting words when I'm sick but they're not here to bring me soup or a cold washcloth for my burning body.

And so, through these last few weeks I've found out I'm moving sites. And been a mess. I've gotten a parasite and honestly have felt the worst I've ever felt. I've wanted to do things and have had them to ask for their opinions, but they're not here to make decisions for me. So when I got sick, I had to take care of myself. I actually made the call to the docs (if you know me, that's a big deal). I got myself to the capital. I went alone to the lab to get tests done. I stayed, drank fluids, ate when I could, rested. Then when the challenging in-between came of going back to site or staying in the capital till the Thanksgiving party when I still felt pretty off, was worried about my dog, and knew my house was a mess, I had to figure things out on my own. I was being pushed to stay by friends. It would have been easier, after all. But something was pulling me to go. To go home, clean up my responsibilities and just go back to the capital the next day. And I did. I was shaking from head to toe when I made it with no strength whatsoever. But I cleaned my house, filled my water tank, did my dishes, took care of Diego, thanked Fredito 100X for doing that for me on short notice and not knowing how long I'd be gone, etc. and I woke up today, and left for the capital yet again. And despite it being non-stop, I felt good about it.

I made it to the random hotel on my own and we partied. We had a pool and jacuzzi on the roof:

We grouped together for a foto (or 4) of those that came in March together:

We sang (a lot):

Smiled some more:

And then we ate here: 

This:

And these (these were just for our table alone):

It wasn't gram's apple pie, but it was pie :D

And made a few messes:

And on the way back, I missed that last carro from Villa. I didn't hit freak-out moment yet but tried to make a few phone calls to see if someone could come get me. No one was answering. Then a random lady and her friend showed up and said something and turns to me and goes, "Let's go!" And I go "where?" She replied, "59!"  She made a phone call and a little guagua showed up in seconds and we were on our way. I thanked her and thanked her cuz I didn't know what I was going to do in the dark in Villa without a way to get home.

 After all that I sat in my house with no luz and just sighed. This has been insane. I've been depressed. Unsure. Lonely. Sick. And downright without hope. But I made it. I took care of my house, myself, Diego, and my emotions (everyone's got their moments, of course). And while I would never ask to not have my family and friends to help me through things, I now know that I can, in fact, do things on my own (with words of affirmation always welcome along the way aaaand a few answered and unanswered prayers from the Big Guy-can't actually do everything all on my own). 

And? I'm still me.

And I'm okay.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Buenas noches.

Don't Read if You're Grossed out by Illnesses

So I've never have gotten a flu shot in my adult life, here it was required and now I have flu-like symptoms. Damn.

Nope. Dengue-like symptoms. Yup. I wrote that when I woke up Sunday before the reality of whatever I had hit. So I am now in the capital, in a hotel, waiting out what feels like death approaching. Let's backtrack through this adventure though shall we?

Friday I found out that Ann is moving me. We barely even talked about what happened this last month after her ultimatum with my community but through my tears (and believe it or not, hers too and the rain...), it was decided without many words. Just lots of tears. I wrote this afterwards below:

"Pint of ice cream just for myself as if I'm going through a bad breakup. 

Blurry faces.

Imagining already being here for the last time. Washing my clothes in my tub by hand. Bucket showering in this shower. Making coffee in this kitchen. Sleeping in this room. Having these kids draw and color in this Sala de Tarea. Who knows if I'll even have enough space in my next house to have one?"

I write like that if I need to get thoughts out before having the time to put them in a cohesive order so, forgive me. But I'm a mess. I know she's right, and I know I'm unhappy but lord, how am I going to tell them? Ann said I can blame it all on her but that doesn't seem to help... My kids. I know them. All by face and name now. I know their home lives. I know their personalities. They drive me crazy. But I love each one of them. My move out day is right before I go home and my stuff will be in storage. Then when I return from the states, as if starting completely over in every way, I will be taken to my new home. Where? I don't know yet. I just told Ann, just give me one person. One person I can team up with. And she said okay.

Saturday was an emotionally better day. Fredito came over and just shared story after story with me and I happily listened. Sunday was when it hit. I woke up after not sleeping a wink and shivering all night (it was, in fact, very cold here), with a 102 fever. And for the rest of the day I went back and forth from crying in my bed (because a really loud moto kept going by-like many many times-and apparently that's enough to bring me to tears), going to the bathroom (I'll spare the details), rocking in my dinning room chair, shivering with the chills or sweating, and in so much pain all over my body you'd swear I'd gotten run over by a guagua. Twice. I took more Tylenol which didn't do much and went to bed early cuz really, what else can you do?

Around 8, I hadn't been sleeping yet but was close. Suddenly I hear a group of kids screaming, singing, banging pots and pans, and marching around the neighborhood. They passed my house 100 times and finally came to do so on my front porch. Head pounding with a pain I've never experienced before, I opened my front window, clapped for them when they finished, and they left. They didn't stop doing this until around 9:30/10. Now at this point, I put my phone on silent and even made sure my iPad volume was down.  Any sound was like someone was stabbing me in the head with my machete. Then at 11pm, I get a knock on the door and someone yelling my name. It was Yobi. And he proceeded to tell me 100X that he had been calling me all night. Oops. He came to pick up his furniture. At 11 o'clock at night... And had to hammer down the frame of the front door to get everything to fit. And brought about 10 guys to help as I said there and watched all gross and groggy with whatever this is. I moved all my stuff off the tables and the gorgeous shelving unit. And he took the other bed. Which I thought was gonna stay... That could either be a misunderstanding or he lied or changed his mind. But finally around midnight after multiple trips, he finished, hammered my door frame back, and left. 

The rest of the night I was able to sleep in between bathroom trips which would also woke me with intense body aches. In the morning, my fever was still 102 so I called Maria, my lovely PC doctor (seriously, I love her). I was told to keep taking Tylenol and go to a med clinic to get a stool sample (sorry). This would be to check if I have any sort of viral or bacterial infection first that's causing these symptoms. They can't check for Dengue until after five days with a fever. I WILL DIE. But also, our huge Thanksgiving party is this week and I was so so so looking forward to that :( 

Turns out the clinic couldn't do it until Wednesday with the results not coming in until Monday. I called Maria and she told me to come to the capital. Now to find someone for Diego and somehow get food for him (just ran out). I messaged Lili to see if Fredito was arriba and could come down. Nothing. I wanted to call Linda, didn't have minutes. Natividad came to see me cuz she heard I was sick and proceeded to guilt trip me for not calling her. I finally went abajo to see if the Ferreteria had food and they did for the first time I had been in site. Which meant I didn't have to go to Villa first or make poor Lula and Greg bring some for me. I also bought minutes. Passing Luis, he said Fredito was arriba so I decided to make the trek up despite feeling the weakness and dizziness coming on stronger by this point. He wasn't there... I went home, called Linda and she said she could watch him. I wasn't too thrilled for various reasons but I was desperate at that point. I left the key and  leash in her house and finally headed out around 1:30. On my way down, Fredito passed me on his moto and said he could stay at my house for me. Gracias a Dios for perfect timing there.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for a guagua but in getting in the front, I spent the entire time getting stared at by the chofer as he would swerve a little and telling him over and over again I wouldn't give him my number. He continued to tell me he'd come visit me at my site. And when I paid him, and he found out why I was going to the capital, he didn't give me my change and said he would take me directly where I needed to go. I was not happy. Though I may be becoming slightly Dominican when I realized I was somewhat flattered he called me beautiful when I feel like absolute shit... I'm ashamed to admit that... But was still moreso stressed and angry and annoyed by him. So I'm still me.

When we arrived to the street I needed to get dropped off at though, he had more people to take so I told him to leave me because I needed to get there now. He gave me my change and let me go. After walked a few blocks, I finally made it. Maria pulled me in, did a routine check-up, asked me why my pulse was racing (dude, I had to walk two blocks to get there), and made reservations for a hotel room with orders to go to the lab at some point tonight to get blood drawn and a stool sample (sorry again). She also held my hand and gave me an incredibly loving pep talk when I told her I'm moving sites. And Boriana (the other amazing doctor) gave me a huge hug and proceeded to beat me in the back saying, "They say that sometimes you have to hit a nail with another nail to get it loose." I don't know if that is true cuz it hurt like hell but god I love her. So I headed out, and to save me from walking, Maria called a driver to take me there :)

At the hotel, I rested a bit, and finally made it out to buy some juice, water, and crackers (since I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning-which was a piece of bread). I was nervous cuz I knew I had to go to the lab soon and it had been a couple hours since I needed to race to the bathroom... Buuuut as soon as I drank that cup of coffee that the wonderful lady of the hotel offered me and ate the crackers, I went. So at 7pm, I headed out, buying another package of crackers por si acaso. I ate half the package on the way. When I arrived, I didn't have to wait long, got blood drawn and was given two cups to do #1 and #2. Aaaand I could barely go. I think I sat in that bathroom for at least twenty minutes and even desperately tried to eat more crackers while on the dam toilet to help things along (TMI? I warned you with the post title)... Didn't help. I emerged from the bathroom and apologized telling her I couldn't do anymore. She laughed, looked at what I had  and said it was plenty. Oh thank goodness. I left and as soon as I arrived back at the hotel, had to go. And it was bad. But thankfully my legs don't have to endure another walk until tomorrow. Maria is gonna call me with the results in the morning and let me know if I need to go to her again or just rest more... 

Now I just need to work up the courage to shower. This hotel doesn't have hot water and the cold bucket shower I took at home before leaving? Not pleasant with a fever...

Keeping you posted on all things lovely, Buenas noches.

Also my mom said this the other day:

"With all this technology, there should be a way to send hugs through the Internet. Ones you can actually feel."

And I couldn't want that more.

Spanish, Puppy Chow, and Christmas

Noviembre 20, 2013. "BESAME, BESAME, bljsodjscnkk xnosdjjd wordsidontknow etc." Yes, I am currently singing an awesome belt-out-in-your-car-windows-rolled-down-and-with-your-mother-including-whole-body-movements song :) 

And despite the fact that the song is blaring from the speakers in the room next to me, currently I'm alright with it. For now...

It is now Wednesday, day 3 of ISLT or "In-Service Language Training." There are 8 of us and we are back in the capital living which our host families from way back in March in Pantoja. Yes, it does feel like forever ago when we first arrived and started training here and yes, I hate Pantoja just as much as I did before. It's a barrio of the capital and it's busy, loud, and there are lots of men with shameless stares and many, many clever piropos. The fun part about that, however, is that I can actually understand them now. So I get to just laugh as they're thrown out instead of uneasily walking faster without trying to be noticeably uncomfortable. And speaking of understanding, I basically understand everything that my host mom says (as long as she's talking to me and I'm paying attention)! It's pretty exciting and hasn't change the awkwardness I feel with her so I don't think it was me! Not being so concerned about the impression I make here, I now stay with my friends as long as I can and use my super small amount of homework as an excuse to stay in my room for the whole night. And they play dominoes with this new habit if blaring music for at least three hours each night. So we're good I think. All I can say is I'm so glad that wasn't the case when I was first here. I may have ETed and gone deaf.

To be honest with how I'm feeling, I wrote another blog entry that I chose to not publish and keep in my private stash of journalings. It worded itself in a much more depressing manner than I was ready for or even aware of. Here's the beginning though. Just as a description of what it was like walking onto the training grounds for the first time in over 6 months:

"And there I was. Standing on the narrow, stone walkway where the edges still cracked and crumbled to the grass below. Connecting the aulas with zinc roofs and dry erase boards that still stood scattered on the property. The man in the blue jump suit raked the fallen leaves but the trees seemingly remained full. Your footsteps yet again went from a gentle tap on the walkway to the loud cracks as the stone driveway shifted with your every move...

But there was a stillness in the air unfamiliar to me now. Once a group of 33 here, now only 8 returned. We were children then. Anxiously learning with every breath. Hope and exciting uncertainty dancing in our eyes just as the lights on the Christmas trees do on every Eve.  To most questions, answers. To many others, only answered in time. We were sea sponges, soaking in all the water but ensuring that we only held in the nutrients we needed. The world was kind; every teacher helpful and every staff member shamefully optimistic, trying to preserve our innocence. Our blissful ignorance."

That's where it gets sad so I'll attempt at paraphrasing in a not-so-sad way. It was just a strange feeling. To be hit so incredibly hard with what I used to feel here and how I feel now. Then, I had no clue where I was going to be. What my project would entail. Who my neighbors would be. What my house would be like. Etc, etc, etc. Now I know. I live in a home made out of wood. I have neighbors, many are Haitian who speak Creole and I don't understand a word of it (okay, maybe a word here and there). I have two schools with kids who's faces and names I know.  So much to be grateful for. And yet, I'm unhappy. I struggle every day to get up and see the purpose in my being here. I know significantly more Spanish and it shows. But while it feels like I've been away from Pantoja for years, it's only been 6 months. And my emotions, confidence, excitement, and vision of what I can accomplish have dwindled like I could have never imagined.

But to turn this still depressing post around a bit, what has not changed is my passion. The talk of changing sites has been brought up on too many occasions. And while I fought it hard and still am trying to, it's a possibility now. Though even writing this, a huge part of me is screaming NO... But with either choice I make it's because I still feel a fiery passion in my chest when I think about the reality that I'm in the Peace Corps. So if I stay in my community, it's because I can't imagine knowing how much of a disaster it is and leaving for somewhere else. I have a family, friends, kids, and so much work that needs to be done there. I'm not as comfortable as I thought I would feel but I know that if they'll allow me, I could do so much good there.. But if I move, it's because with the problems that exist in my site, I might not be able to accomplish what I could accomplish somewhere else. And they do have an NGO with funds and extra help, something that other places don't have at all. It may just be because I have way too much passion for what's possible in KM59... But Lordy this isn't easy. The tears are welling now even thinking about trying to make a damn decision.

In other news I went to La Sirena today which is like a big Walmart here. And I used to think they had everything, right? So I go in, planning on buying everything I need to make Puppy Chow cuz someone mentioned it at training, I haven't had it in forever, I LOVE it, and I really wanted to share it with my kiddos back at my site. After scanning the cereal aisle (where they had an entire aisle of different cereals just like back home!), come to find out, they don't have Chex!! Or anything like it! Name any other cereal and they had it! But Chex NO. What the hell?? I was so sad. Attempt 2 will be at a mini supermarket by the PC Office Friday before heading back to my site.

I also may or may not have bought a mini Christmas tree, wreath, more lights, and ornaments for when they take all my furniture away. I will create my little Christmas corner with all these things to keep me from crying in my empty house :D I'm so excited.

So here's to two more days of Spanish. To fighting depression and winning. To loving my family. To Puppy Chow (for luck in the supermarket). To getting back to my site with a fresh perspective (hopefully that will be the case after talking to Ann this Friday). And to Christmas.

Buenas noches.

New PC Project: Looking for Gold

Noviembre 9, 2013. Well my in-site English class was okay. I didn't have great plans because I was unsure of who was going to show up and how to progress. If there were new people, I needed to move forward. If there were old people, I needed to review. There were both. But like I said, it went alright.

What bugged me was waking up and waiting around for the woman to come and plan for our preschool. She didn't come... Then I went to the school to get the list of "Outstanding Students" for October so I could take pictures and get them printed for the newsletter. I had given Natividad a list of the grades so she could get the list for me last Monday. She still didn't finish it. This teacher was missing. This teacher said there wasn't a single good student last month (not one...). Then this one had to leave. This one had training... Etc. and she mentioned that she needed a substitute for next week. Knowing she wanted me to offer, I left in silence...

Today I arose slowly, cleaned my house, and almost changed my mind about going arriba to visit my host mom and her family. I'm so glad I didn't. We hung out, watched TV, ate, shucked guandules (which I decided to do instead of leave at one point; another great decision), talked, and then went to the river to look for gold. Yup! It's legit. And so many people have been doing it in my site lately. So we walked up towards the mountains and Fredito showed me all of the parts of the river they had already sifted through. It was crazy, and is so much work. They start on one side of the river, moving all the rock to the other side and digging until they can't dig anymore; and then with their large wooden shallow bowls, they swirl them in a very specific way to allow the gold to sink to the bottom because it weighs more than the pebbles and sand. Seriously fascinating. And I was able to see a little piece of gold a neighbor of mine had found. One downfall I'll mention since it is now a lesson learned and avoidable, was a tree. Yup. I was climbing down from the path to get the the river. One part was steep so I leaned forward to grab a tree, palm wide open, fingers stretched. And as soon as I grabbed it, I hear, "Cuidao!!"  And then the pain hit. The damn tree had thick spikes all over it. So while watching, I was picking out wooden spikes from my hand and sucking the blood. Hahaha

I begrudgingly returned home to change and look for the woman that wanted to help me with the preschool. She said her son had the fever and her daughter was sick. And then...proceeded to tell me that she can't help me after all. Her husband works during the days and they have no one to watch the kids. I left and went to see Manuela who wanted to see me. She said that even though Elva told me she didn't want me crossing the thruway three times a week, that I need to do it anyways (but pretend that we never had this conversation). She explained that she knows how much I want to help and she knows how badly these kids need it. 

So after revamping my entire project and looking to finally get started, I'm back to square one. I had two days in the afternoon in El Batey and two here in Rancho de Yaguas. And my preschool in the mornings three days a week (none of which I've started yet but that was the plan that looked promising). And I was no longer in the school. But now it looks like nothing will ever get done in the school if I'm not there. My preschool just abruptly halted (after I made my caterpillar numbers and paint palate with labelled colors and calendar with changeable dates). Manuela wants me in El Batey three times a week. So what do I do here, on my side? Good question.

I think I've decided to devote my time to looking for gold with everyone else here. It seems to be the thing to do. And I get to hang out in a river all day and not have to sweat under my zinc roof. And chill with the people from my community and the kids still. And hopefully actually find some, keep some, and sell some for extra pesos. And then when I go talk to Ann or someone from Peace Corps, anytime they ask me something about my site and my projects, I'll just go, "Look! Gold!" And they'll be so impressed and in awe that I won't have to answer. Yea. That sounds good.

And with newfound purpose, I'm going to cook dinner by candlelight (the luz schedule has changed and we no longer have electricity at night...). Romantic, right?  And since I don't have a TV to watch a movie or soap opera, I have what they called a "Christian Circle" right outside my house. They just borrowed my four plastic chairs and there are people sitting, pacing, everyone is chanting something different about God and sometimes bust into a song together. But mostly it just sounds like chaos. Way better than a TV.

Cue megaphone. I took sound clips because I can't describe what's going on out there in a way it would do it justice. But this damn blogger will only let me post pictures lol. Ah well.

Buenas noches?

Want Something to Get Done? Have a Fever.

Noviembre 7, 2013

And sometimes, you just have to lay in bed with a fever despite feeling guilty for things to happen.

How or why, you ask? Well. Two days in a row now I've had what felt like a fever (the damn thermometer PC gave us is in Celcius and I haven't had luz to convert it to Farenheit to know). Yesterday I went to the school to talk with Natividad and then to Villa cuz Diego needed food and I needed to go online and print something for the Courts4Kids project. When I got back I realized I couldn't really see straight (good thing I'm not allowed to drive in this country) so I laid down...for what turned into the rest of the day (obviously getting interrupted many times by my kiddos screaming my name). The last time I finally decided to ignore little Jonny. Until, that is, he yells, "Someone is here to see you!" Grungy and a mess, I got up and answered the door to a lady with her adorable baby boy. She is the woman that spoke with Mavel about wanting to help me voluntarily with my informal preschool. She is studying early childhood education and is putting off the next step because she would like to get some experience first. SHE came and found ME. I can't tell you how crazy that is! I told her about Esperanza missing two meetings and how I wanted to get started soon. That I would love to just partner up with her and get going. That though it's in my house with my things, I want this project to be hers. The kids will pay $100RD monthly and it'll all go to her. I'm here to help plan, manage the kids, and provide the space, but she will be the main teacher. I showed her some materials, asked when she could come to plan, and we agreed on Friday morning! Looks like I'll finally be starting next week!!

The luz never came back so I went to bed early. Which... Made Diego get up at 5:30am cuz he wanted to go outside. I let him out and just sat in my chair still half asleep waiting for him to come back. Then I went back to sleep and unwillingly arose around 9. Going back and forth between laying down, walking Diego, trying to eat, and doing laundry, I received a phone call from Zach for Courts4Kids. Apparently they might have another slot open and he wants me to have first dibs (!!!). I wasn't really aware that I wasn't in the running anymore but hell, I'll take it! I've just gotta get our estimate down and soon in order for things to look up. It's not a guarantee, but it's hope.

So it turns out laying in bed with a fever and doing nothing is okay sometimes. And things can take steps forward without me being on top of my game all the time (which it's been quite a while since I've been on top of my game...) ;)

I skipped my afternoon pull-outs in El Batey in the hopes that I'd feel better for my English class in Juananito. I really didn't want to miss that (haha that's still crazy to me). And it was amazing yet again! I had 16 people come and they were a blast :D I did a lot of blushing as they said over and over again how blessed they are to have me... Now to try and get motivated for my in-site English class tomorrow... ;)

Buenas noches

I'll Believe And Pretend

Noviembre 5, 2013. 

Woa, wait.  A good English class in my site?? Yup! 5 people, young adults. And it was raining!! And they still came! All different (again) but I felt like it went well!

Sarah (another volunteer) came to visit also :) after class we were hanging out watching Matilda (oh yea) and the main guy from my English classes in Juananito called the DAY AFTER the class. He told me he already called a guy from a university and it was confirmed that they would make certificates and would just need my signature to make them official (boy do I feel fancy). Wow! So damn fast!

Then: MAYELIN WAS HERE!! She came to my house with Yasmin and as Yasmin stood in my door way, I saw little feet behind her. Once I saw her face, I screamed and ran and spin-hugged her up in the air. It was so good to see her! On our way up to visit my Doña and her family for lunch, I stopped and saw her mother too. They are doing well way far away which I'm glad for. The pain here was just too much.

The visit arriba was wonderful. We hung out, talked, and ate "rat poop" which is what they called cocoa pebbles hahaha. Sang. Played with a spinning toy that lights up. Etc. After we ate we went to the...

River! I bought us all soda and galleticas to eat there :) We hadn't been there in a while so it was awesome. I got a little chilly towards the end and soaked it in while happily shivering.

Then Saturday night, I introduced Sarah to the Hunger Games. Muahahaha. And I managed not to cry at the two worst parts! We headed to bed early so we could leave early for...

Monte Plata!! To visit our Doñas (!!) just for the day. But it was pouring when we woke at 5am... And with the about three hour trip one way, it wasn't worth leaving late. So we're going to try again when Sarah is visiting Cory later this month. *crosses fingers*

So Sunday I arose around 8 and while Sarah continued to sleep I listened to music and played Candy Crush haha. And discovered something I don't quite understand. I was nearly in tears every time a Christmas song came on when my music was on shuffle. Why?? I'll be home for Christmas! Oh who knows, I'm a sappy mess all the time. I should be used to that.

Then Tuesday rolls around and I headed to the Duarte to see Sarah off. Upon returning, I had to fetch two 5-gallon buckets of water from the river to make a third time doing so. I haven't had to do this before, and I will admit, I didn't like it much. It was heavy. And I was an embarrassment to all Dominicans that can carry it on their head with a towel and not spill a drop. They're so good at life. I spilled quite a bit and had it on my shoulder... Oh well. A good volunteer friend reminded me that it's a pretty awesome work out :D about 40lbs each trip! I just might start slumping to the right a bit if I have to keep this up... But! They're working on fixing the problem. They were digging and putting in a pipe and for about 5 minutes, the water was trickling in my faucet! But went away again quite quickly... 

I then went to school to get my botelón of drinking water. And ten minutes later, left crying. It was just a reminder of why I left in the first place. But the guilt for seeing all that needs to be done for these kids was overwhelming. And seeing my director give up the way she did, just...sad.  I'm going to go back tomorrow morning to talk to her though. Maybe I can just go in one day a week or something.

I then FaceTimed my dad who put everything into perspective and made me feel better like he always does. And my older brother sent me a message that made me speechless and remember to step back, be patient, and know that in time, things will come around.

After some ramen noodles, I headed to El Batey to work with my munchkins. We played bingo using 1 peso coins and they won gum that I bought for them. Not many showed up though so when I finished early, I headed out to visit the home of a boy who misses a lot of school. I had already visited his mother but I thought I'd try again. I stressed the importance of his education and how she needs to send him to school everyday. That I'm here to help him in any way I can, but I can't do anything if he's not there. I think she understood but following through will be another thing.

An older woman who lives in my neighborhood was at the house as well. She lives in a one-room wooden home with no electricity or running water. I know she has some problems mentally but we've had some good conversations before. But when I saw her, she was a mess. Upset about the community, the terrible people and the problems she has with her family. She's looking to move soon. But she was telling a story to the mother of my student and it took me a second to realize it was about me. She had been having a horrible day, no money, no food, and wasn't feeling well. I was walking by with my handful of milk cartons I had gotten from the school (whenever there's extras from breakfast and I visit, Natividad gives me some). I handed her two and she said she "saw the heavens open up" and The Lord was telling her it would all be alright. She was able to use the milk to make supper just a little bit better and she was happy the rest of the day.  I know she isn't all there, and will continue to ask me for money or milk but just a simple thing like a milk I had gotten for free made all the difference in her day. And I didn't even realize it at the time.

So that's my lesson of the day. Things are slow moving and I'm unsure if what I'm doing is enough. But Lordy if a carton of milk can do that for her? I can keep moving forward believing that though I may not always see the fruits if my labor, they're there. And even if they're not, I'm gonna pretend they are until my service is up ;)

Buenas noches.

Maybe English Isn't So Bad

October 31, 2013. Yup, Happy Halloween! But here in the DR, it's just another day. It was strange to think about all the happenings at home. Though I have to say, I have the COOLEST little brother in the world. He was Darth Vader :). 

As for me? I put up Christmas lights outside my house yesterday! Hahaha Normally, that would so not be okay. At home, you don't do that until after Thanksgiving. But as I walked through Jumbo yesterday and two Christmas aisles stood grand and colorful and shiny before me, I almost broke down in tears. With a mix of awe at the beauty and crazy depression from missing such a simple piece of home, I had to do it. Half the strand is out already but I guess that's what you get for paying only $100RD. But I'm totally getting more when I go to the capital next. My house is gonna be the best house on the block.

Today I cleaned my house and did my laundry upon rising from bed. I have a jam-packed day tomorrow and Sarah is coming to visit for the weekend! I figured I should get it done now and she won't have to sit through four hours of me washing clothes and moping the floors haha. I then went to El Batey, taught for a bit and discovered four more students from third grade that can't read that weren't on my list. That makes three out of the whole class that can read. I have the rest (14)... 

Then my favorite part of the day followed. Which still surprises me. One of the things I was not looking forward to here was teaching English. It's hard, I've only heard stories of failure, and the people lose motivation fast (understandably so). So I've got my adult class here in my community on Fridays. The first week, one person showed up-my pastor. We didn't start for obvious reasons. The second week, my pastor and another guy about my age. Again, we didn't start. The third week? Three people. Three different people. We started... My other English class is with my eighth graders (and a few others) which is okay but it doesn't feel like they actually want to learn.

So when Ramirez came with the contractor for our future cancha (SI DIOS QUIERE) and talked of wanting an English class a few towns over, you can imagine I wasn't too thrilled. But he continued, saying they would pick me up, bring me back, provide a place, asked what I would need, and how many people I could manage, etc.  It felt pretty serious. And organized. So I thought hell, let's give it a shot. So Thursdays at 6, in Juananito (spelling?) began today. 

And? It was amazing!! First, Ramirez brought me because the contractor guy had a compromiso. Ramirez wasn't staying for the class but stayed with me until things were settled and I was alright-which felt so wonderful. He's was watching out for me and with everything going on here at my site, let's just say I wanted to hug him and thank him for it. But I knew he wouldn't understand. When we got to the church, we had to wait for the pastor to show up with the key. Finally. 6:30 rolls around and he arrived (and Ramirez left). They had a chalkboard and a wall for me to tape my posters up (including one that is a red circle with a red 'x' through the word 'vergüenza' which means 'embarrassment' and I have a speech about how they must lose the vergüenza if they want to learn! Like I had to do!). 8 adults came even though 15 were invited. But the main guy talked about how many in the community want to learn. And how maybe I could do two cycles. Work with this group for a few months, have a graduation, and then begin again with a new group. And the graduation would include a parade walk through the community, certificates made from a university and finalized with my signature and music and food. And how he runs this organization, that community group, set up these workshops about the environment, health, education, etc. It was like I actually passed through some sort of transporter on the Duarte and out of the DR. As for the class itself? The people were phenomenal. Enthusiastic, funny, understanding, patient, and fun. We learned greetings (lame copying but you have to do it so they can study) and then did presentations. I split them into pairs and made them practice introducing themselves to someone, asking how they are, nice to meet you, see you later... All that jazz. I explained that I am naturally a teacher of little ones and proceeded to make them say "Lights, Camera, Action!" with hand motions before each presentation. And then different fun applauses after each one (it's a Dominican thing I'm totally bringing back to the states). They loved it! Participated without grumbling and genuinely seemed to have fun! I flew out of that church. And felt a little guilty for not wanting to do the class in the first place. The main guy then called a car for me to take me back but came with us to ensure I got home safe. Ugh, such a good feeling.

I'm excited that I have something to look forward to each week now. And it's out of my site with new faces. It's hard to explain why that's such a good thing but Lordy, it is. And I now feel more motivated to make my lessons more exciting, different, and interactive. I don't like teaching English. But I now love teaching this group :)

Buenas noches.

Meditate in Reality

October 21, 2013. 

First off, two of the biggest Happy Birthdays IN THE WORLD go out to my munchkin way far away in the land of Grand Island and my big brother over there in PA. I miss you both like you can't even imagine and thank God every day for those two blessings in my life. LOVE YOU.

So again, it's been a while (and I think I'm going to stop saying that since it seems to be happening more and more often, sorry). But instead of sharing what's going on now, I'm going to share something different. It's been insane, changing my project, starting new ones, no longer going to the school, needing to get Diego neutered because now he's angry at people too (and I'm worried he'll turn against my kids soon) etc. I'm stressed beyond belief, and while I know what I'm about to do is way better (hopefully perfect but I'm sure I'll have to change more here and there as I experience more), I'm still not feeling quite like myself yet. But briefly, before I move on, my focus is now switching to just my third graders individually, and the majority of them at their homes. Individually I feel will be more effective in shorter time and then will allow me to move to my second graders when I believe they've advanced enough. In the homes will allow me to interact with the parents/guardians and hopefully inspire/teach them to get involved with the education of their kids more. Also, I am starting an informal preschool out of my house and have a girl about my age currently studyng education to help me. In that way, when I leave in two years, she can continue the class and we will have already structured a curriculum together. More investigating is also being done to see if there is an interest to have "parenting classes" with the help of my pastor. I've got another meeting with my community leaders this Friday and then a teacher conference in the capital this weekend. And will also be neutering Diego. Again, I'm stressed.

But I'd like to just share something I found in my notebook while organizing my things today. I wrote this back when I was in Monte Plata in April and although I'm overwhelmed, defeated, confused, and jealous of those volunteers who seem to have extra time all the time with nothing to do (???), I still agree with the conclusion that this piece comes to. So. Here you go. Enjoy the wordiness that is my writing.

"My home. Outside on the porch, the cement is cracked and chipped away. The blue and yellow splotches are scattered in a random pattern. The zinc rippled fence across the way is rusted or rotting but fastened together with barbed wire. The road itself? Rocks, pebbles, and earth. The crickets have started their hum already and birds fly in to break the silence of the still trees. Houses here announce their presence with vibrant yellows, reds, pinks, and greens against the somewhat bland backdrop of the dust that gathers as the motos pass by. The people also have a way of screaming, "Here I am!" without their voices. Whether it be four Dominicans and a baby on one moto. Or the shameless stares as the American walks by. Or the tight pants of green and the tiny shirts of yellow. Or the music that pours out of every crevice of a house. Or kids playing with a stick and tire running down the street. Or simply the smell of pan con queso in the morning; arroz, habichuelas, y carne in the afternoon; and some sort of vivere con carne at night that drifts into the air as you pass.

This is my home. Although I will be moving once more but for good that time; here, in this country, I will live two years of my life. With the dogs, roosters, forever greens trees, zinc roofs, heat, rains, the ranas and cockroaches, ants and mosquitos, the waiting game that is diarrhea, la luz (or not), running water (or not) and the beautiful Dominican people.

I cannot explain the feeling, I cannot scratch this paper with the ink of truth just yet. Has it sunk in? I couldn't say. Am I ready? Not sure if that's possible. What about those I love back home? My faith is with Him for them. And for someone who has never travelled outside the US of A, the peace that washes over my heart when I take a minute to meditate in reality, reminds me that I'm where I belong."

Buenas noches.

The Hidden Foundation before The Walls

October 10, 2013.  So Monday night I prayed long and hard. I will admit that I don't always do that when I should. But I needed it. Then Tuesday went horribly and I'd rather not share the details here. But I hit my limit. I tried to pace outside the school but I couldn't see straight. I left school early sobbing and shaking uncontrollably and was a mess after flipping on my teacher and director about their petty problems. I did laundry and showered to calm myself and then stayed in bed all day and wallowed. Today, I awoke with my alarm and didn't feel ready to go back to the school. I texted my director and said I was sick; which emotionally, was absolutely accurate. And went back to sleep. At 9:30am, I received a phone call from Ramona, the fourth grade teacher. She asked what I was doing, told me to get up and that she had a surprise for me. I arose and about 20 minutes later there was a knock on my door. As I opened the door, I was greeted by a sea of blue shirts and khaki pants and skirts. Still groggy and a mess, about 65 kids and 3 teachers were all outside my house yelling and cheering. They all piled into my house and attack hugged me. On command with Ramona they chanted together, "Feel better! Come back! We love you! And we're sorry!" I fell to tears yet again but from a very different emotion than yesterday. It took me a bit for it to sink in as the pain I feel about this site, my community and my project was/is still strong. But after speaking with my father and looking up to the skies thinking of a dear friend back home and his constant reminder of my needed faith, I knew my prayers had been answered. The big guy was just reminding me that it's on His time and that it will all be worth it. I'm not here to do what I thought I was supposed to do or even what the Peace Corps thinks I'm supposed to do. But I'm here to give the community what it needs and provide the kids hope for a better tomorrow. And I'm going to do it.  

So with a newfound strength that I know will come and go, I'm ready to face tomorrow and get my ass out of bed. 

That friend continues to change my life (you know who you are, Charles. Oops I told everyone ;) ) and is a constant reminder to keep my faith in The Lord and be patient.  That He is capable of miraculous things. One of which was just here on my front porch and in my house in the form of about 65 munchkins wrapping their little arms around me and telling me they loved me.

Afterwards I spent time translating my annual plan into Spanish to send to the NGO as requested by my boss Ann. The more I did it though, the more it felt wrong. All of my Peace Corps goals and strategies didn't fit in the puzzle that is KM 59. And just as I was putting in the email addresses to press send, on cue, Ann called me. I filled her in on everything and told her what I thought. I'm here and not leaving (after today?? No way) but I need to change my expectations and goals.

And so:

Ann supports me and my thoughts of revamping my entire project plan and staying put (and told me not to send my annual plan-phew!). Another very special person in my life spoke of needing a foundation in order to build a house and how there is no foundation here in my site. I shared this with her and she absolutely agreed (THANKS DAD!). She's coming to my community soon to have a meeting and get these people straight. Telling them that there are so many communities that are dying for a volunteer but I'm here, with them. And they need to get their shit together in order for me to do my job, what is required of me by AMCHAM and The Peace Corps and what is so desperately needed here. She praised me like crazy saying she understands but that I'm a saint for starting here at rock bottom (which is totally against Peace Corps requirements for an education site placement-there needs to be a foundation with some organization in order for us to work and be successful with the kids, teachers, and community-I can't do any of that here yet and go to school everyday not knowing what my job will entail) and being committed. Haha She also told me to do a "Slot Analysis" before she comes which is just like a list of pros and cons so I can look at how I can capitalize on the strengths of my community and improve the weaknesses. I'm pretty sure that same super intelligent man in my life just told me that today. And I'm pretty sure he should become president. Or at least Diamond so he can change thousands of other people's lives like he has mine. I love you daddy. So many people are changing my life from a distance...

So I've been reborn. The path ahead of me is fuzzy and confusing and challenging but I now know why I was struggling so hard with my previous expectations. They were pieces to the wrong puzzle. This next little bit will determine a lot and probably be full of mistakes. And this strength and refreshment I feel now will leave me and return just as it always has since I landed here March 6, in the DR. But I'm ready. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left this community knowing how badly they need something or someone. Yes, other communities are dying for a volunteer but I won't leave this one like so many others have. No, I won't be able to change their entire situation and solve everything. But the next volunteer after me can build the walls above the hidden foundation that we've laid and actually see the results of all of our hard work. And that will be enough.

Jamás Olvides

October 8, 2013

Backtrack to the weekend.

Friday-Lula and Greg came to visit. I then was supposed to have my first adult English class. It didn't happen due to some serious rain. But despite being excited about having my first class, with my emotional and mental state at that point, I was okay with it. Then walking Lula and Greg out to the Duarte, I see Ramona (which was a surprise because it was fairly late and she doesn't live in my community). And I spent the next two hours talking to her.

Saturday- After enjoying some chocolate milk the night before, I was looking forward to "sleeping in" a bit since it was the weekend. Diego decided otherwise, however, and woke me up at 530am. Lol I tried many things to calm him but then Linda's music started blaring at 7:30am. Rise and shine! Laundry for four hours. Planning. Cooking lunch. Going to Villa for a few groceries including dog food, but it looked shady so I didn't buy it. Then I visited the family of Lula and Greg's director. And was invited to a party next Sunday. Phew.

Sunday- Diego allowed me to sleep a bit more so I arose at 8am. I cleaned the house a bit. Tons of kids were here. English class for my eighth graders actually happened and I video taped their performances. It was so cute. Tons of kids returned again afterwards. I did more planning. Ran at 5:30 with a bunch of munchkins and Diego. Came back. Still tons of kids. Excersises with them-SO funny. Just imagine about 15 kicks putting their feet up on my walls all lver my house beside me and doing crunches. Then holding each others feet to do sit ups. Etc. I tried to kick them out to shower but they were suddenly working so hard and so calmly and TOGETHER on puzzles in my Sala de Arte. I couldn't do it. So I gave them a big speech about how we have confianza and how if they steal things, they won't have anything to play with anymore. And I left to shower. When I came out, they were still working beautifully! I cooked and FaceTimed with my dad and jake and my kids which was INSANITY. But jake with the Pikachu voice was a hit! I finally got them out and FaceTimed with Sam and Momma too. Exhausted, I went to bed. Sorry for how choppy this all is.

Monday. The meeting with Ramona, Natividad, and the community. Just... Yea. I can't say anything here for various reasons. But I found out why half of the community didn't come. They're completely divided. And I'm left wondering who I can trust and how I can help with this reality. And why these issues are issues when the problems with this school are way bigger and being ignored...

Tuesday. No director so we sent the first graders home. I spent most of the time talking with Brayan who is a four grader that fights multiple times daily and that's not an exaggeration. I just sat on the floor beside him while he was being punished in the office and we talked. His mom and dad are in Villa but separated. His dad left him here because he thinks this school is better. But he left him with a family he barely knew (luckily they're good people) and now rarely sees his own son. And his mother never sees him... On my way to El Batey I saw the pastor. He knew I had looked for him yesterday to bring him to the meeting to bring some peace but he wasn't home. He asked me how it went. I couldn't hold the tears back. He said that he wants to sit down with me sometime soon and explain to me what happened to this community. I trust him. We'll see what he says...

I've finished planning now for El Batey tomorrow. I didn't let any kiddos in my house tonight and I didn't go running. I think that was for the best. 

I'll put this quote here for all to see (going to leave it up to you to translate though ;) ) because I found it in the school's office and I love it. I'm struggling to feel better through reading it but I'm rereading and rereading it to drill it into my head and heart. Hopefully this will all resolve and we can move forward together as a team; all with the same dreams and goals for the near future of these munchkins.

"Que tu vida es más grande que tus miedos, que tus fuerzas son mayores que tus dudas. Que aunque tu mente esté confiada, tu corazón sabrá la respuesta con el tiempo, lo que hoy es difícil, mañana será un tesoro, pelea por lo que realmente te llena el alma y la virtud de saber esperar porque lo que tiene que ser, será." Jamás Olvides

 (I copied this word for word which is funny because the "author" literally means "Never Forget" in Spanish)

Buenas noches.

Trying So Hard

October 3, 2013. Disculpame. It's been quite a while since I've written. Like usual, but feeling moreso lately, things have been crazy. Friday I was an exhausted mess who had to teach first grade because Nati was out looking for our books (language, math, science, etc-books that haven't come yet and it's been over a month since school started). Then Lobo came to visit! We hung out and drank chocolate milk and it couldn't have been better.

Saturday he headed out in afternoon and I went to the birthday party for Alex. There was no luz, which meant no music so the kids were quite restless. But it was fun. And getting cake is always a good thing.

Sunday I planned all morning and then there was a party at a farm. It's held every year for a saint and the kids to in the morning and the adults at night. It was so awesome. I didn't drink-don't want that kind of publicity and there were TONS of people. And palo music which was so incredible. A group of guys in a circle with tall, skinny drums and what looks like a cheese grater (forgive me) is brushed hard with a "stick." It was fast and exciting. Then the bachata and merengue. And the food. Wow. Apparently there's another party just like it in the spring too. Gonna have to practice my palo dancing and get rid of this verguenza by then!

Sunday night I didn't sleep a wink. For whatever reason, I was super nervous about Monday-the day I got Diego! So I got out of bed exhausted and made it to the capital by 9. I did some Jumbo shopping for a few things (which turned into too many things) and met Ellen at the vet. Turns out Diego had ticks and now a tick-born parasite. I waited with her in the lobby while he was drying after his tick bath.  But as soon as he came out the door and I saw him for the first time, the nerves vanished instantly (cue sappy movie music). Seriously though. She and I headed out with her friend who had a truck to KM9 so I could catch my car. She was struggling. And though my nerves went away, my guilt only grew. She had had Diego since he was born. His mother died and he would have to if she hadn't adopted him... Diego had also always lived with his sister. I felt as though I was tearing a family apart. And as she handed me his leash, I ripped her heart out too..

The first carro wasn't thrilled about my dog. But I paid for the two front seats and he sat on my lap (he's a 40lb dog but thinks he's a lap dog) the whole way. He moved quite a bit but never barked, didn't throw up, and we made it without problems! In Villa I stopped in to get his antibiotic at the pharmacy and we were off in another car! These guys were way better. And got a kick out of the fact that he would sit on the floor-only my lap. 

Finally after an emotionally exhausting morning, we made it. And an hour later I had to leave him in the house for a bit. I felt awful. But I fed him and laid on the floor with him until I had to go. It was meeting time with Zach from Courts4Kids! We met at the school and Ramirez and the contractor were on time! Zach explained many things and my community leaders had many questions. This was a good thing! Zach really felt like they were taking ownership of the project (because it IS theirs) but were also open to ideas for change so we could lower the estimate. Afterwards Zach and I headed to my place and we chatted about a few more things I need to do before his next visit. There's apparently 9 applicants here in the DR right now and they can only do 5 or 6... Say some prayers please? 

Once he left, I planned for the rest of the night with Diego at my side and about 20 kids drawing and coloring. Diego was SO good with them. Of course they were all terrified of him at first because of his size and the way dogs are here but they learned quickly how chill he is and have loved up on him like crazy since.

Tuesday I did pull-outs with my fourth graders for half the day. Then I noticed my director outside cleaning and the first graders going crazy inside alone. I went and took the broom from her and spent the rest of the day cleaning and organizing the school so she could teach... Even if that wasn't what she wanted. When I got home, Diego was at the door and I can't tell you how good that felt to come home to someone. He wandered around outside while I cooked (I was originally nervous about letting him go free like that but he always comes back! Now to buy a rope and chain so he can stay outside during the days when I'm at school). I went to El Batey in the afternoon and was finally able to finish my evaluations. And it was depressing. Also the fact that two teachers had to ask the names of two of their students... "You-what's your name? Yea, you don't know how to read."  Then as I'm doing other random evaluations with kids that are coming over and bothering us, I came to find that more than those on my list can't read. So now, I have AT LEAST half of first grade, second grade, and third grade with me.

I left and planned for the rest of the night until midnight-taking a break and running at the field with Diego, of course. Who turned out to be a phenomenal running buddy and was so incredibly patient with all the kids wanting to hold his leash. But no matter who was holding him, he would only run when I ran and walk when I walked haha. 

Wednesday I did none of my pull-outs. The director asked me to do a few things which turned into, "well there's no point in even starting them now so I'll just do more to keep us organized later in the year..." Then, ready with plans for El Batey, I realized while resting in the break that I didn't have a space to work there yet. Outside was way too crazy with the breeze, children distracting us, and possibility of rain. So I decided to just go there, show them my schedule and organize the kitchen as a classroom. I saw the pastor on my way over who always makes me feel better and said I had every right to do that. And I did. I told them what I was doing rather than asked and bam. I had a space.  I left after an hour cuz there was no point in starting classes then and stopped back at the pastor's. of course we spoke of a million and one things but eventually I left to get Diego and my iPad to show him MercyMe's music. He LOVED it :) now I've gotta find a way to transfer it to his USB and print out lyrics. It would help him with his English, after all!

I left, went for another run with Diego and my kiddos and returned home to cook, clean up, and plan some more... 

Today? I awoke even more exhausted so I'm gonna skip school tomorrow. Of course, Nati wasn't there to tell her (no worries, Mavel came to teach first grade so I didn't have to) but I'm doing it anyways... I did pull-outs with my fourth graders until recess. During recess, I was inside the school with Ramona and Manuela (the seventh grader that we're helping together). There was screaming in another room. I walk in to Pamela and Samuel tearing each other apart and Samuel was sobbing. i broke it up and rocked Samuel until he calmed down. I went back to working with them when more yelling out back was heard. I went and broke another fight with two older boys. And got hit in the face in the process. Then the kids were climbing our cage that holds the water jugs. Then another fight. It was absolute chaos. Then a group of first graders ran through a pack and Meliana got kicked in the knee where she already had a decent cut. Screaming bloody murder I took her inside. And as I walked in, Manuela was crying. Ramona had walked away to check on something so Manuela was standing by the door waiting. Another kid came running through and slammed the door shut on her hand leaving three good sized blood clots on her knuckles. I saw the other teachers and yelled, "This is absolutely crazy! And this cannot happen anymore! During recess, all of the kids need to be outside and one teacher needs to be in front, one on the side, one in back, and one inside. Enough!" I was livid. Ramona agreed and the others said nothing.

After, my plan was to continue. But of course, that was my plan. A teacher's husband's back was apparently so bad he could barely walk so she had to take him to the hospital. He drove to the school to pick her up... So I went to third grade. I literally said to them, "Today, you will work. And work hard. And in silence. I have no patience. I'm angry and sad. I want silence. Now." With limited patience, I had to remind them a few times but we survived. And at the end, I read them a story and they were completely silent, enthralled, predicting the next page, and when the bell rang, I went to close the book and they yelled at me to finish. Haha

I left with Ramona to head to El Batey to talk with Manuela's parents. We wanted to make sure they knew what happened and apologize because as educators, we are responsible for the safety of their children. It went well, the mother wasn't upset, and she understood.

By the time I got home, I had 45 minutes to cook, let Diego out (poor thing :( ) and head back to El Batey. I got there and started my classes. They were a bit crazy and I've certainly got to make some sort of behavior chart unlike on my side. around 3:30, Luisa passed me her phone and said it was Ramona. I answered, and she told me she was leaving and not coming back. That she was sorry because she cared for me and loved me but she just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to leave so bad to see her... But she was gone and I had classes. And by 4, the rains threatened. So they let the kids go. Lord, you did it again. I booked it despite every person yelling for me not to get wet. I had to see Natividad and find out what happened. I made it soaking wet (had to fight with a teacher telling her that me coming and getting soaked was more important than staying dry back at the other school), she explained, and then the community came. Seven in total; screaming, talking over each other, getting angry, calming down, attacking Natividad, some defending, arguing about things that didn't matter, things that weren't the issue, etc. It was absolutely insane. And after getting sick of them attacking Natividad about all the things she HAS to do, I yelled, "ENOUGH. If you're going to say these things to her, you have to say the same to Ramona!" They agreed, and want to have a meeting with Natividad and Ramona... Soon. Like Monday when I'm supposed to be in the capital all week. I also yelled again when they got off topic and said "BUT THIS ISN'T EVEN THE ISSUE!" Kenia finally got them all to shut up, pray, and leave. It was 6:30. School lets out at 5 and I had made it there dripping wet at 4:30. 

So I told Natividad I would teach 4th grade until she needed me to. So much for not going to the school tomorrow. My pull-outs have come to a halt. And Natividad has threatened to leave as well. She can't work in this atmosphere. And I don't blame her.

And through this mess I'm trying so hard to stay positive. So here's my list.

What I have to be grateful for:

Running.

Coffee.

Yucca and salami.

My house. 

Luz.

Cooler nights.

Diego.

My kids even if they do just love me cuz I give them time to color and cut and paste and draw.

Courts4Kids and the possibility in my community.

My director, Ramirez, and the contractor who were all super open to ideas but also took ownership of the project.

My Peace Corps friends.

My pastor.

I have "my own" space in El Batey now to teach-the kitchen.

The rain.

Tostones.

Family and friends back home.

Books.

Yea...Buenas noches.