What Will Success Mean to Me When This is Over?

September 3, 2013. Well I was alone today. One game I had for practicing recognizing the vowels went well and that was that. I lost them again.  As much as it kills me, I've just got to tell Nati that I can't do it without her. So if she's ever absent again, they've got to pretend as if I'm not here and find a substitute somehow. Now that I know there never was a first grade teacher on the way, I have no idea how long this will last for and I just can't handle it... As much as I want to.

In the afternoon, I went to the other side after calling Ann to talk about more conflicts that are causing major tension. Elva was not there. But I spoke with Manuela and another teacher who want me to come help. What I didn't realize was that Elva switched tandas (they don't know why). This means that first through fourth grade are now in the morning like my side which complicates things... But they said that the preschool classroom is open in the afternoons and they could send the kiddos that need help to me from their homes and I can work with them there! With a chalkboard and everything! Haha Progress was made so hopefully I'll be able to get myself over there soon...

September 4, 2013. The second grade teacher called last minute this morning to say she was sick. What does that mean? Nati in that class and me alone again in first grade. To which I had no plans. Part of the day went well. I'm not sure if that actually meant progress or if the kiddos were just as tired as I am. One little man in particular has given me much resistance. I had a feeling I should be careful with him so I took him with me to see Ramona. I asked her what I could do. That I knew he was smart but he refused to do any work. She talked with him privately and then pulled me out to discuss his situation. He lives on the other side of the thruway with 6 brothers and sisters and his grandmother. His mother lives elsewhere and no longer visits. His father was basically never in the picture. She told me how he is always angry, rarely smiles, and will fight anyone any chance he can get. And he is 6 years old. This conversation was then continued during recess. Ramona told me about many (many) of the kids here that lack a structured, loving home. Another boy now in fourth has a mother who lives somewhere else and lives with a drunk father. He often has to sell random stuff in the streets to make money for food. Linda pays him $10RD to wash her dishes every Saturday morning. Ramona also talked about her fourth child that she has. Biologically she is not hers. But her cousin has five children with five different men; none of which are in the picture. And now, she no longer is either. The little girl is 2 years old and will probably never see her mother again. She and I cried together during our talk; with the reality of the world that surrounds us here and the overwhelming task that we have as teachers. Here (in the states too), we have to be mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, and teachers. 

You know, I always knew this existed in the world, outside the states and in it. And it always struck my heart in ways I couldn't explain. It's one of the reasons I want to teach in city schools when I return. But what I never thought about was how distant I still was from the reality. I heard about it all in the news, from a man in church, or through a friend of a friend who knew a story somewhere. Now here, living in a small community, living in poverty with them, and becoming a part of their family, the pain I feel is of a different kind. I can't imagine leaving this site.  And because of the disaster that is my project, if I never succeed in building effective, sustainable results, I will have failed in Peace Corps eyes. But Lordy if I could just be a best friend to these kids, or a motherly hug, or someone who taught them to read when they would've been otherwise ignored throughout their school career, I pray that I will feel as though I succeeded...

But until then, I'm still feeling the failures. I broke and told Nati she has to find someone else to teach. She has to act like I'm not here to be used at their disposal. She will not be here all of next week so she talked to a substitute that we have in the community in the afternoon. They laughed at me saying "Oh they tired her out!" or "The little first graders killed you, huh?" as I sat in silence and for once didn't smile pretending to be amused at the comments. Who knows if I'll ever be able to reconcile this when I want to start teacher training. Why would they listen to my advice when I was completely unsuccessful trying it on my own? 

But now I am free to do part of what I'm here to do: pull-outs. I'll start my evaluations tomorrow of the kids in first through fourth grade and eventually create my little groups and schedule when I'll be working with them.

And then to figure out parental involvement... But one thing at a time, right?

Buenas noches.