Settle, Love It, Then Regret It

June 13, 2013. And while I loved the do-nothing about yesterday, today, it got to me. I'm sorry for the repetition but I just can't figure out how to work up the courage to just go out. I've been successful before, why can't I drop the fear and take a step? I'm beyond frustrated with myself because I know the answer: Just do it. But something stops me every time.  Now it's mid-June and I have two more months (one month gone) to get my diagnostic going. I pictured this all so differently at training. I was going to spend the first month sitting on tons of porches and drinking coffee; chatting about nothing. Then the second month, I'd maybe consider getting my butt in gear and form some meetings to do the silly projects that The Peace Corps suggested for the diagnostic. Month 3, prepare with my project partner our presentation. At this point, I can't imagine trying to get people together to do something because I haven't developed enough confianza or know enough people. And that's on me... Plus my one project partner now works everyday except for Sunday (when she then cleans her house and takes care of her kids) and the other, doesn't live in my community. So I'm completely on my own for now. 

Today I got up and went para arriba with my host mom. I was fed yuca and plátanos with peppers and onions but couldn't eat it. My host mom's mom yelled at me to eat but I told her about my stomach. Her solution? Squeeze a lime, a ton of salt, and water from the faucet. Shit it tasted awful. And wasn't such a good idea with the whole water thing. I hung out with Lili, went to the river, and then got called away to the farm. None of us knew why but slowly, a bunch of kids started showing up. We sat and waited and as more came, they started handing out arroz con leche, juice, cookies, bread, candy, and a muffin. For what? I still don't really know. But it was so much! And there were so many kids! When I got home and told my host mom about it she just laughed and said sometimes they like to do that haha. Hey, I'll take it though I don't understand it. It was awesome. I just wish I knew where the money came from (or who) to do it.

I laid down for a bit, Dulce disappeared, and I finally got up, ready to walk out the door. I latched my bedroom door, closed the kitchen up, and walked towards the front to head out to I don't know where. Aaaand Lili and Fredito showed up. Fredito had gotten that fruit that I can't spell but from a place pretty far and it was the bigger kind (see below). Oh man it was so delicious :D so we all hung out on the porch, listened to music, and played iPad. 

Around 5, the lady from the church wanted me to come to the school. Her and Manuela's daughter were preparing for mass which is tomorrow at our school (definitely gonna say a few extra prayers). We went through the readings and chose the songs to sing. That was nice to be a part of... Also, there was an adult literacy class going on. I didn't see any of it but the fact that it exists is really great. 

We headed back and I skyped with Rhianna! I missed that gorgeous face :D I had an audience with the kids surrounding me and watching lol. They thought it was so neat and just listened quietly. I asked if they understood anything afterwards to which they all said, "Nada" (nothing) haha. 

We hung up, they left, and to feel somewhat productive, I sat on the porch and organized my binder with teacher stuff (page protectors and everything!! Funny how those little things make me super happy). I also started planning for the summer classes (Day 1-done! 7 more to go). My host mom made me Mangu which was great but after telling her I only wanted un chin because I wasn't that hungry, she gave me my normal, huge bowlful. I ate half of it...

So yes, I did stuff but it's with the same group of people that I see everyday. I need so badly to get out there but there's always an excuse not to. And I settle into that comfort zone I've created for myself, love it in the moment, and regret it later...

Anyways. Below are some pictures I didn't add to earlier posts but wanted to. Enjoy. Sorry about the negativity of today. Tomorrow will be better.  Buenas noches.

The cana they found in my hair yesterday! :( I fake cried, begged them to pull it out, and said "But I'm not old yet! I'm still so young! They just laughed at me :)

More things for the kiddos in the summer. Especially the cursive since again, we don't have any materials made from previous volunteers for that. Also, I didn't finish the cursive uppercase sheet cuz either I don't remember how to do the letter or I've seen a few different ways to do a letter here lol.