I'll start from the beginning which wasn't anything crazy but will be easier for me to work through. We had our last graded presentations today. Compared to the second one? Cake. So all went well there. We finished early so a few of us went to the Internet house and I almost got my blog fully updated! But those damn pictures lol. After, I had lunch and headed to the park to start setting up for the fair.
Samuel and I had the front table ready to go. I listened to him a few times and already started feeling defeated. In my head, I couldn't figure out how to explain how the tickets and prizes worked. He threw me in, however, and I had to just do it. That was probably the best thing he could have done for me but it was difficult not knowing if anything I was saying was correct. We had a decent turn out in the beginning. A little crazy at our tiny table but we were managing.
Then, the storm came. A school must have let out because probably 300 kids more (we were probably at 200 by then) came up in their uniforms with teachers. We weren't prepared. We needed to start forming lines. We were running out of tickets. There wasn't enough space in between activities. We didn't have enough supplies at the stations. Kids wanted to go through twice to get more prizes. They crowded our table. Mass chaos. And my Spanish? Was shit for this. Our Spanish teachers helped walk groups of 5 over to tables. Raini and I formed lines where the kids had to wait. Kids (usually 3-4 at a time) were running up to me asking questions that I couldn't understand. The prize area was overcrowded and mixing in with the kids who hadn't participated yet. We tried to form a line there. We were running out of time. I was going in and out of almost losing it.
All I could do was think about how I could have handled this in the states. I would have been able to organize the kids. I would have been able to tell them where to go, what they needed to do, and how they could get their prize. I would have been able to simmer under the pressure with just enough energy to keep up but not so much that I'd boil over. But I couldn't. I found myself unable to hold a smile for longer than a few seconds. I had to look up into the sun to dry the tears that threatened to destroy my composure. I was being moved by running children and questioned by others. I looked at Raini for help and she just laughed and told me to do this or that; things she knew I couldn't do with the giant wall made up of Spanish words that surrounded me. Marcia came over with perfect timing with her motherly hug at one point just as she always does.
Finally the volunteers couldn't do any more at their stations. But there were still kids who didn't get prizes. Raini took about 70 kids over to another side of the park and started asking them literacy questions and if they answered, they would get a prize. For a bit, I was still frozen. Still uncertain as to what happened and hurting that I couldn't be the best me that I knew existed. But I made a move, took a bag of rings, and headed over to her line. I told all the girls to follow me (which was about half of the kids Raini had) and made them form a line. To each girl, I asked her to give me a word that starts with a certain letter. When they gave it to me, I gave them a ring. And I did that until I ran out of prizes.
And then, we were done. Still almost numb, I walked back to my table and my camera was gone. That was it, the soft breeze that tips you off the cliff when you've managed to remain standing on solid ground with just your toes. I just sat on a bench with my head down while some people looked for me. After about 5 minutes, Amber ran over, camera in hand. She had picked it up for me when she noticed I had left to go help Raini. The waters came. They poured out in a pinch of relief mixed with a lot of anger with myself. Anger for not being at a language level I want to be and anger for not keeping myself together during a time I know I could have handled normally. I stopped the tears but the burning sensation in my chest wouldn't subside. So after we cleaned up, I changed at Amber's house and we ran. A lot. I'm not even sure for how long but Misael joined at some point. He could tell I didn't want to talk so we just ran and ran and ran in complete silence (I really hope I'm going to be able to run in my community...). The sky above the field was nearly black. Off in the distance, lightning started to strike but I couldn't hear any thunder outside of the pounding in my ears as our feet hit the ground. It was getting dark and rain trickled a warning so we headed home.
Amber continued to be my life saver, however, and had a bottle of Italian-style chocolate milk. She came over to my house and we sat in my room and just talked for two hours. Our men, families, life here, and loss there. Have I mentioned that it kills me that she's leaving soon? She's incredible and has helped me numerous times now when I've needed it most. And while my disappointment from today remains, my chest has cooled and I'm willing to start anew tomorrow. So on that note, I will apologize for this bitter post (makes me think of that depressing song I love that goes, "All I need is a bitter song, to make things better) and bid you all, Buenas noches.
If the test was to see if you're human then you passed! You will have days like this Julie but they will be outnumbered by the days that you feel you've made a difference and it's those days that will reinforce that you are meant to do this. Days like today will be one day be stories that will bring laughter. Keep hanging Julie and remember the kids, most of all, never expect perfection....they just need love and attention...which you, my dear, have down in spades! Love you!
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